


Spaced Out

by orphan_account



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, also space brownies are involved so that technically counts as drugs?, warning: bullying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-14
Updated: 2016-10-14
Packaged: 2018-08-22 10:02:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 31,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8281913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Turns out Jongin needs to get high first in order to admit that he might have feelings for Do Kyungsoo.





	1. One

It’s his last year at high school, he’s almost eighteen now, has pretty good grades and his school record is practically clean.

 

So it’s okay, to loosen up a little, break some rules and stuff. Especially if there are only four months left until graduation.

 

That’s what his teammates tell him on this Friday morning, where they’re all gathered together in the locker room half an hour before the bell rings for their first class. 

 

Chanyeol grins from where he’s sitting on the bench, everyone else gathered around him in a circle in order to shield him from view should a teacher decide to peak in. He picks up his backpack from the floor, unzipping it before he reaches inside to pull out a green plastic container.

 

Jongin doesn’t exactly know what’s going on. His eyes are still swollen from sleep and staying up late to finish his English assignment and he can barely keep them open, can’t really be bothered to listen what his friend is saying either. 

 

All he knows is that his friends apparently had planned some kind of prank which he doesn’t know a thing about. He’s rarely involved in Baekhyun’s stupid ideas so he has no idea why he’s here when he could’ve slept thirty minutes longer this morning instead of Sehun calling him last night to tell him to come pick him up earlier than usual.

 

Said boy is standing beside Jongin, head resting on his shoulder and he’s yawning while he watches how Chanyeol takes off the lid from the box. 

 

„What’s that?“ He slurs but Chanyeol waves him off as per usual.

 

Baekhyun comes up behind Chanyeol, perching his elbows on Chanyeol’s shoulders. A smirk appears on his face while he peaks inside the container from over Chanyeol’s shoulder. „I baked for you guys.“ He says, waggling his eyebrows. 

 

„Brownies?“ Jongdae asks when he leans forward to peak inside too. He frowns at them, Baekhyun's never this nice for no reason. 

 

„Yes, brownies. But the important question is, what’s inside?“ Baekhyun licks his lips, reaching out as if he’s about to take a piece but Chanyeol slaps his hand away. 

 

Understanding dawns upon everyone then. Some look surprised, some look excited, some look anxious and Jongin simply groans, not really in the mood for whatever they’ve planned.

 

„Are you guys out of your minds? I’m not going to get high at school!“ Luhan exclaims, shaking his head as he crosses his arms in front of his chest. 

 

Minseok beside him nods. „We would get in a lot of trouble if we get caught.“ 

 

„Nah, they’re harmless. I’ve had them before. You barely feel it.“ Taemin says with a shrug.

 

„Exactly! No one will notice, trust me. I barely put anything in the mix too so it’ll be fine.“ Baekhyun explains.

 

„I don’t know man… My parents would kill me if they found out.“ Someone else pipes up. 

 

Sehun groans beside Jongin, his first reaction to any of this since they stepped inside the locker room. „For god’s sake, how old are you? And they won’t find out. That stuff wears out within hours, you won’t feel a thing by the time you’re home.“

 

This causes another conversation to start up and Jongin turns his head to the side, looking at his best friend with raised eyebrows. „You’ve had one before?“ 

 

Sehun nods. „Yeah, had one at a party. It’s okay. Feels good, actually.“ 

 

And because they’ve been friends since kindergarten Jongin shrugs it off and believes him. 

 

He should know better because Sehun is stupid and full of shit but his mind won’t work properly. 

 

And it’s space cookies, or well, space brownies. It sounds harmless. It can’t be that bad, right? 

 

… Right.

 

„Okay, listen guys.“ Chanyeol speaks up. „I know some of you are fucking pussies and it’s really time you grew a pair because High School is almost over. Also I just don’t care, to be honest. You’re just going to have to suck it up.“ 

 

And with that he takes one brownie out of the box and pops it into his mouth as if it’s… well, a normal brownie. 

 

He chews and gulps it down, shrugging as if to prove a point. 

 

Taemin is next, walking up to him and taking two brownies out. He starts chewing on both of them at the same time while he turns around to leave the room. 

 

Jongin snorts and shakes his head at him and Taemin winks in return before disappearing behind the lockers.

 

Jongdae and Baekhyun take one as well, then Kris and Key. Luhan and Minseok stay away and Baekhyun rolls his eyes at them.

 

„Junmyeon, come on mate.“ Baekhyun offers the older a particularly small one because he probably knows that it’ll be hard to persuade the team captain. 

 

Junmyeon looks worried and glances over at Luhan who only shakes his head disapprovingly at him. You can practically see the boy’s inner struggle and honestly, no one expects him to participate in this. 

 

But to everyone’s surprise he steps forward to take the offered brownie. Baekhyun gapes at him but it turns into a surprised smile and he just looks like a huge idiot.

 

„I’m so stupid.“ Junmyeon mumbles while he’s inspecting the brownie with narrowed eyes. He brings it up to his nose, wrinkling it in distaste after he does it.

 

„Hey, you don’t have to do it if you don’t want to.“ Jongin speaks up, something like worry flaring up inside his stomach. 

 

Junmyeon has helped him a lot during his time at school, be it for his classes or on the soccer field. He’s only older by months but Jongin has a lot of respect for him and he knows the boy wouldn’t do things like this normally. He barely touches alcohol either. 

 

But Junmyeon gives him a reassuring smile and shakes his head. „It’s okay. We don’t have any tests today so…“ And with that he pops the brownie into his mouth. 

 

Chanyeol looks very satisfied, already chewing on his next brownie as he offers the remaining pieces to Sehun and Jongin.

 

Sehun takes it without hesitation and eats it like it’s nothing and Jongin wants to do just that too, but… 

 

It’s not like he’s scared. But he’s never smoked weed before, and he’s heard that the effect can be stronger when you bake the weed.

 

Is it a stupid idea?

 

Yes. 

 

Has he done stupid shit because of his idiot of friends before that he regrets today?

 

… Yes. 

 

It’s such a fucking stupid idea, he knows it. 

 

Because he remembers the first time he had alcohol last year. His parents are still furious about the bills they got from this taxi company because apparently Jongin had thrown up on the taxi seats.

 

Well.

 

Before he can think any further though, Sehun holds his jaw open and pushes a pretty large piece of brownie into his open mouth. 

 

Jongin starts chewing on instinct, wrinkling his nose at the weird smell. It somehow really makes him want to throw up. 

 

„When does it kick in?“ He asks after swallowing. 

 

Chanyeol shrugs. „I don’t know, a few minutes? Depends on how full your stomach is.“ 

 

Jongin hasn’t eaten anything at all today. 

 

Great. 

 

„There’s one left.“ Baekhyun says, about to reach out for that one himself. 

 

Chanyeol shakes his head, closes the lid of the box with a glint in his eyes. „We should give it to someone else.“ 

 

„Who? Everyone’s had one. Well, except for those two…“ He says, gesturing at Minseok and Luhan. The latter flips him off before grabbing Minseok’s arm and dragging him out of the locker room.

 

„Let me think… who would like some space brownies at this school.. maybe Kyungsoo?“ Chanyeol says, smirking at his best friend. Baekhyun gapes a little but then starts laughing and some of the others seem to find the idea funny as well.

 

Jongin goes rigid at the mention of the name.

 

It shouldn't surprise him, really.

 

The members of the soccer team have been giving the mentioned boy a hard time ever since he moved here two years ago. 

 

Kyungsoo is a small guy, sometimes wears glasses and mostly wears black, probably to blend in so he goes as unnoticed as possible.

 

And Jongin might have developed a soft spot for the boy ever since they moved here and he saw Kyungsoo laughing outside their house with his mother.

 

Jongin and him have worked on a few projects together before and Kyungsoo never really talks much but he’s always polite to everyone, even the soccer team when all those idiots do is making fun of him behind his back or trip him in the hallways. It's always made him feel really bad, seeing Kyungsoo like this because he never did anything to deserve it.

 

Jongin never joined the pranks everyone played on him or the immature name calling. Not just because he feels bad for the boy. They live in the same neighborhood and their mother's are good friends. Jongin's mom used to tell him to be nice to Kyungsoo, to befriend him since the boy didn't have any friends at school. And Jongin had tried, to some extent at least. He always made sure to greet him when they saw each other in the hallways and if Kyungsoo smiled back it felt like some kind of victory because the boy rarely smiled at all. Jongin liked Kyungsoo a lot. Likes, present tense but things have changed ever since the other boy was the target of his friends' bullying.

 

Thinking about it, Jongin never really did anything to stop them. He doesn't understand why and he always feels outraged when someone is mean to Kyungsoo but he can't man up and stand up for him because there's more behind his urge to help Kyungsoo than just pure sympathy and that's scary to think about.

 

So Kyungsoo propbably doesn't like him all that much.

 

But this is taking things too far. 

 

„Guys… There are drugs in there, this isn’t funny. If something happened to him he could sue us-“ Junmyeon starts but no one really listens.

 

Jongin wants to say something too, he really does, but he’s already starting to feel slightly dizzy and he’s being dragged out of the locker room a moment later, into the crowded hallway.

 

It doesn’t take long to find Kyungsoo, as the boy is standing in front of his own locker, arranging his school books without bothering anyone. 

 

„Kyungsoo!“ Chanyeol exclaims and Jongin’s heart hurts a little when he sees the smaller boy flinch, his shoulders hunching up as he leans back to peak out from behind his locker door. Jongin can't help but think that he looks cute in his navy sweater.

 

„Hello.“ Kyungsoo says quietly, his eyes sweeping over the boys standing in front of him. He hesitates when he meets Jongin’s eyes but quickly looks away when Chanyeol speaks up again. 

 

Like Jongin mentioned, Kyungsoo isn't all that fond of him. That doesn't mean Jongin wants to just stand here and watch his friends drug the boy.

 

„Do you want a brownie?“ Chanyeol asks, smiling down at him sweetly even though it looks creepy to Jongin.

 

Actually, everything starts to look weird to Jongin. 

 

Is it normal for that stuff to kick in so fast? 

 

„A brownie?“ Kyungsoo frowns at him. He’s not wearing glasses today, otherwise he would be fixing them on his nose right now, something he does when he’s nervous. 

 

Jongin doesn’t really know why he’s aware of the boy’s habit but he somehow is.

 

Baekhyun smiles and nods. „Yeah, we baked them last night for the soccer team since we won the game yesterday. But we’ve already had one so…“ 

 

Jongdae speaks up next. „And we kind of want to apologize. You know.. We’ve been assholes to you all this time. But school’s almost over and we want to make it up to you.“

 

Kyungsoo’s eyes flicker for a moment and he looks hesitant. Jongin wants to catch his attention, wants to shake his head or something to tell the boy to not eat the brownie. 

 

He knows how much the other boy cares about school and grades and stuff and it’s just not okay to mess with someone like this. There are actual drugs in there. What if Kyungsoo reacted badly to it? It would be their fault and it makes Jongin feel uneasy, thinking about Kyungsoo getting hurt in any kind of way because of them.

 

But Kyungsoo starts reaching out for the offered brownie anyways and Jongin wants to scream.

 

How can Kyungsoo be so naive? 

 

You just have to be suspicious about every kind of eatable thing someone you barely know offers to you, it’s common sense.

 

But when it’s freaking brownies offered by someone who’s been making your life a living hell all the time, at least some kind of alarm bells should go off, right?

 

But apparently not, because Kyungsoo mutters a soft „Thanks“ as he picks up the brownie, already moving to put it in his mouth. 

 

Jongin never said he was smart.

 

So he just steps in, grabs Kyungsoo’s wrist with one hand and takes the brownie with his other before he pushes it into his own mouth before anyone can stop him. 

 

Kyungsoo looks up at him with wide eyes and Jongin wants to say a lot in that moment but he doesn't, releases his wrist instead and turns around just to regret his life decisions the second he’s swallowed the brownie down. 

 

Baekhyun just snorts while Chanyeol looks mildly pissed off at him. Jongin pushes them away and hears how Jongdae cracks up behind his back, he doesn’t quite catch what he’s saying but he feels a pair of eyes on his back and he knows they don’t belong to his friends.

 

„Aww, had to protect little Soo, didn’t you?“ Sehun chuckles into his ear while he throws an arm around Jongin’s shoulders and walks them both through the corridors towards the staircase to get them to class.

 

Jongin doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t understand why he did it. He could’ve just told Kyungsoo that the brownies were drugged instead. 

 

But that would’ve been too obvious, right? This way the others might think he ate it because he wanted the last one. 

 

Or something like that. 

 

„I don’t feel good.“ Jongin says when they’ve reached the classroom. 

 

„What? Already?“ Sehun asks but Jongin can’t focus on his voice. He trips over nothing and his best friend has to hold him up so he doesn’t fall. „Dude, be carfeul!“ Sehun whispers, Jongin shakes his head.

 

Something is fucking wrong, okay. It’s not normal to feel like this, right? Shouldn’t you feel calmer from weed? 

 

Jongin doesn’t feel calm at all. 

 

His heart is racing three times faster then normal and his hands are shaking when Sehun pushes him down into his seat. 

 

„Jongin… are you okay?“

 

Jongin groggily looks up and into Taemin’s eyes. The boy is hovering above him, over his desk but he just looks so tall.

 

Taemin isn’t taller than him, is he?

 

“Fuck” Jongin manages to utter out. “This shit is so f-fucked up.” His head is swimming and there’s a hand gripping his shoulder tightly, grounding him, or at least trying to.

 

It doesn’t help, it feels too hot and Jongin can’t breathe properly.

 

„Did you eat something this morning? Before the brownie?“ Taemin asks, leaning closer to look into his eyes.

 

Jongin shakes his head. Oh… He might actually throw up. 

 

„He ate a second one. Snatched it right out of little Kyungsoo’s fingers.“ Kris laughs while he sits down a row behind them. He sounds a little drowsy too. But maybe that’s just Jongin’s imagination. 

 

“I thought you only took one you idiot!” Taemin exclaims and Jongin shakes his head, his reactions about five seconds too late. His friend’s voice seems distorted, echoing as if he’s talking to him through water or something.

 

The teacher appears in the classroom a moment later but Jongin barely notices it, only sees how the students take a seat and how Taemin leaves him with a worried look on his face. The Spanish teacher says something and Jongin is trying to listen despite the situation but to no avail, he’s too lost in the weird way his body is reacting to the drugs.

 

He looks to his right because Sehun’s been quite all along. His friend is looking straight ahead though, a calm expression on his face.

 

“You alright?” Jongin asks. He notices how his heart is still beating awfully fast and he’s starting to feel really fucking sick.

 

Sehun doesn’t answer for a while but when he turns around his eyes look small and slightly red rimmed. 

 

It isn’t normal for that stuff to kick in so fast and so strong, or is it?

 

“Bro, I can’t feel my legs.” Sehun sighs but he looks strangely happy and it scares Jongin for some reason so he looks away again, not able to deal with talking to Sehun at all.

 

He looks around, trying to see if anyone else is losing their fucking minds but everyone who ate a brownie looks fine.

 

Well, Baekhyun is half asleep on Chanyeol’s shoulder while the latter is busy with his phone. 

 

Junmyeon keeps shifting in his seat nervously and there’s sweat on his brows, Luhan next to him rubbing his arm and shooting death glares at all of them.

 

Taemin turns around, pulling a concerned face as he makes a questioning thumbs up at Jongin.

 

Jongin tries to return it, tries to reassure him that he’s fine even though he feels like he’ll die any second but his hands won’t listen to him so he nods instead.

 

The room starts moving a minute later, vibrating in the corners of his eyes and Jongin wants it to stop, fuck Chanyeol and Baekhyun and whatever shit they put inside those damn brownies-

 

“Dude, stop moving.” Sehun mumbles beside him, barely talking straight with eyes fluttering as if he’s about to fall asleep.

 

“’m not.” Jongin responds but then he looks down at himself and sees how both his legs are jumping up and down and his arms are shaking, muscles twitching as if Jongin is moving them on his own when he really isn’t.

 

“Why‘s it so hot in here?” Sehun then asks, a little too loud and the teacher narrows his eyes at them in an annoyed manner before turning back to the blackboard.

 

Jongin is rather cold so he ignores Sehun and tries to stop his body from spasming like a fucking idiot. 

 

When he looks up again he catches another pair of worried, big eyes. His heart calms down a little when he sees Kyungsoo looking at him with such an awful look on his face and the anxiety ebbs out a little. He tries to smile but out comes only a whimper that Kyungsoo seems to hear as he looks down quickly, worrying his bottom lip between his teeth.

 

Somehow it makes Jongin really sad, all that’s been done to Kyungsoo when all the boy did was… well, nothing apart from being polite and nice to everyone.

 

Why would anyone be so gross to him?

 

He’s such a nice boy. And cute too, how he sometimes smiles while reading a book. How he fixes his glasses with his knuckles, if he wears them at all that is, because Chanyeol likes to steal them away all the time. He blushes a lot too and Jongin’s never even seen that on a girl, let alone another guy.

 

And now Jongin is going to die because he ate that brownie for him and he won’t ever get to apologize or be his friend. Or more...

 

He wants to be more but how can he?

 

His lower lip wobbles and he feels like crying but he also wants to laugh, run a mile and eat a burger and then sleep for a day. But most of all he just wants to stop feeling like his body is about to burst from adrenalin so he can punch Baekhyun in the face.

 

There’s movement in the corner of his eyes and when he turns his head he sees how Sehun reaches behind his head, curling his fingers into his own collar as if he’s trying to pull off his shirt.

 

“What the fuck?” Jongin hisses, reaching a trembling hand out to stop his idiot of a friend.

 

Not that he’s any less stupid than him.

 

“I’m hot.” Sehun whines. “My skin is on fire.”

 

„What… Sehun, no. You’re fine.“ Jongin is getting almost hysterical and the fact that his friend is talking such bullshit isn’t helping. Is Sehun really on fire and Jongin just doesn’t realize it because he’s on drugs?

 

No- No what the fuck, why would he be on fire-

 

„Yes, come on, touch me.“ Sehun whispers, reaching out to take Jongin’s hand and pushes it underneath his shirt. „It’s freaking burning!“ 

 

„Stop! It’s not!“ Jongin pulls his hand back. His heart hurts and he can’t breathe. If he comes out of his this alive he really has to kill Baekhyun. 

 

Taemin turns around from all their whispering, mouths „Are you okay?“ and Jongin shakes his head because he’s not.

 

He’s never felt this bad in his entire life, not even after running laps for one hour straight when their coach caught them drinking beer one night behind the soccer field.

 

„I think Jongin doesn’t feel so good. Can I take him to the bathroom?“ He hears Taemin ask but he can’t really focus on it. Maybe he should go to the hospital but fuck, his parents would disown him if they had to pay yet another set of bills because their son is full of stupid ideas. 

 

A moment later there are hands around Jongin’s shoulders and he gets up from his seat, following Taemin blindly through the classroom. 

 

He catches Chanyeol’s eyes and the boy gives him an apologetic smile while Baekhyun shakes his head at him, a teasing smirk on his face.

 

Jongin tries to flip him off but his reactions really are too late. 

 

His eyes sweep over Kyungsoo and his heart really hurts, he wants to stop and hug him for some reason, apologize for everything but Taemin is pulling him away and Kyungsoo won’t look at him, keeps his head down while Jongin passes his desk. 

 

„I want to throw up.“ He mumbles while they walk through the empty hallways. 

 

He hears Taemin sigh beside him. „You’re an idiot. They’re idiots. Should’ve known better than let you eat more on your first time. Baekhyun probably put too much into it too.“ 

 

„Should’ve known better than… eating them at school.“ Jongin says back, a smile growing on his face despite the situation. He expected this to be different. 

 

He expected to see everything fuzzy and colorful and just be very relaxed and find everything funny and stuff. 

 

Although he’s not even sure what drug does that to you. 

 

But right now the walls are closing in on him and he needs to pee and throw up and sleep. 

 

And he really needs to apologize to Kyungsoo. 

 

Sweet, sweet Kyungsoo… 

 

„Drink some water.“ Taemin says when they’ve reached the bathroom. 

 

„I don’t… have a cup.“ Jongin mumbles. 

 

„God-“ Taemin pushes him towards the sink and puts a hand to his neck, guiding him down towards the stream of water. „Drink.“

 

„No…“ Jongin whines but water is already dribbling across his lips so he opens them, trying to gulp down some water but he’s too disoriented and the angle isn’t helping either so he ends up choking on it, coughing wildly to get it out of his windpipe. 

 

Taemin helps him get up again, wipes the wetness away from his lips. „You’re a fucking mess.“

 

„You tried to kill me!“ Jongin accuses him and it makes Taemin laugh which makes Jongin even angrier. It goes away rather quickly, because his mouth starts to feel weird and he feels sick again. „Taemin… I’m gonna throw up.“ 

 

His friend pushes him into a stall and down onto his knees. „Don’t get anything on your clothes, okay?“ 

 

But no matter how much he retches he just… can’t throw up. „I can’t.“ He whines pathetically but he feels so sick, he just wants his stomach to be empty! 

 

„Well, that’s good, right?“ Taemin says, rubbing a hand over Jongin’s neck which comforts him slightly.

 

„No! I want to throw that shit up.“ Jongin tries to hide his face because there are tears in his eyes. The walls of the stall are shaking and it looks as if the floor beneath him is moving away, giving him a dreadful attack of vertigo.

 

„Stick some fingers down your throat then.“ Taemin groans, muttering something under his breath that Jongin doesn’t hear. 

 

And Jongin never really thought it would come so far in his pathetic life, for him having to stick fingers in his mouth so he can throw substances out. He should know better, it must be already in his blood and system. It doesn’t really matter if he throws up now. 

 

It doesn’t work, so he sits back, wipes his fingers on his jeans and leans back against the wall. „Just let me die here, my parents can’t pay the bills for a hospital.“ 

 

Taemin snorts. „Man, you’re not going to die from a freaking space brownie, okay?“ 

 

He suddenly has to think of Kyungsoo again. If he’s going to die, this might be his last chance to apologize. „Can you bring Kyungsoo here?“ He asks. 

 

Taemin looks at him silently for a second. „Kyungsoo?“ He asks with a weird look on his face. 

 

Jongin nods. „Please, I have to talk to him.“ 

 

„Okay, you’re high Jongin.“ Taemin chuckles quietly but then he sees how Jongin’s eyes are filling with tears. 

 

„No, please! I need to apologize, he doesn’t deserve being treated like this… He’s so nice.“ 

 

His friend leans down, putting a hand on Jongin’s head to ruffle his hair. „Why have you never told us you had a crush on Kyungsoo? I would’ve told the others to stop bugging him.“

 

Jongin’s heart starts beating even faster at the word crush. „I’m not- I’m not in love with him! … Okay? I just-“ He suddenly has lots of trouble breathing and he chokes on nothing but air, tears welling in his eyes while he coughs violently.

 

„Woah, Jongin calm down, don’t fucking pass out on me!“ Taemin exclaims, patting his back to help him breathe again. „It’s okay… deep breaths. I’m going to get… Kyungsoo but I don’t know if he’ll agree. You know how that guy is about attendance and stuff.“ 

 

Jongin nods, sniffling as Taemin taps his back one last time before he gets up and leaves.

 

It’s silent after that, except there’s this drumming in his ears and Jongin can hear his own furious heartbeat. 

 

He doesn’t have a crush on Kyungsoo. He ust... He has some kind of feeling but he can't think about it, it's too confusing and scary to ask himself why he likes the boy's smile so much.

 

Jongin takes a deep breath, closes his eyes in order to stop everything from spinning. His skin is tingling terribly and feels itchy too and when he touches it, it feels somehow grounding so he starts rubbing the back of his hands. 

 

Taemin’s stupid. He doesn’t need to get high first in order to see that Kyungsoo is…

 

That he’s so-

 

So here. 

 

The door to the stall creaks open suddenly and Jongin inches back against the wall, scared that it might be a teacher or the janitor cleaning the toilets while the students are in class because he doesn’t expect Kyungsoo to leave class for him.

 

But he’s wrong because it is Kyungsoo who peeks his head in and Jongin feels his own eyes widen, rivaling Kyungsoo’s right now as their gazes lock. 

 

„Kyungsoo..“ Jongin says dumbly and the world tips once, making him press his back further into the wall and a curs slip away from his mouth. 

 

The other boy slips in, closing the door behind him quietly. He looks uncomfortable and Jongin doesn’t blame him. He probably looks like a mess and he must have crazy eyes and stuff. 

 

Also there’s the thing that Jongin’s friends are assholes and Kyungsoo probably isn’t fond of the idea of being alone with Jongin at all. 

 

„Taemin… he said you asked for me.“ Kyungsoo says and he leans back against the wall, trapping both his hands behind his tailbone and the door. „Are you okay?“ 

 

Jongin nods but he also shakes his head and it makes him feel dizzy again. Kungsoo’s face keeps coming in and out of focus, he looks so blurry that Jongin has to blink a few times until he can see him properly. 

 

„I’m… high.“ Is all he says. When he lifts his head to look up at the boy in front of him the ceiling tips to the right and his hand shoots out to prevent himself from splitting his head on the toilet seat at the same time as Kyungsoo jumps to kneel down in front of him, arms shooting out to steady him. 

 

He quickly pulls his hands back once Jongin is sitting upright again. „I can see that.“ He mumbles and Jongin doesn’t understand why there’s worry in Kyungsoo’s eyes. There shouldn’t be, not for Jongin. 

 

„Kyungsoo, I want to… I really want to apologize.“ He quickly says before the drugs prevent him from getting his words out. „For the stuff my friends did. And I never stopped them.. You don’t deserve that, I’m really sorry.“ 

 

Kyungsoo nibbles at his lower lip, gaze falling to the side. „Why are you telling me this? Now of all times?“ 

 

„Because I might die from those brownies and I don’t want to die without telling you how sorry I am.“ He says and while he says it he realizes how stupid he must sound. But, well. 

 

The other boy looks at him with wide eyes, and the corners of his mouth twitch a little. 

 

Kyungsoo has… like, really nice lips. 

 

„You aren’t going to die.“ Kyungsoo says, sitting down now too. 

 

„It feels like it, though.“ Jongin mumbles. There’s sweat sliding down his temple, he can feel it and he sees Kyungsoo’s eyes follow the path of the little drop that clings to his eyebrow. „Here.“ He reaches out to take Kyungsoo’s hand and pulls it closer to press his palm against the left side of his chest tightly. „This isn’t normal, is it?“ He asks, his own hand clinging to Kyungsoo’s so the boy can’t pull away. 

 

Kyungsoo’s eyes are fixed on their hands and Jongin can see him inhale sharply, a flush spreading over the tips of his ears.

 

Jongin likes it, he wants to see Kyungsoo blush again and again but he can’t enjoy it at all. He’s scared he’s going to throw up. 

 

„It’s-“ Kyungsoo starts and stops to gulp heavily. „You’re having a horror trip. Taking drugs in stressful situations isn’t good. I mean taking drugs never is but that’s beside the point… Your brain isn’t working properly right now and it turns the stress into anxiety… like a panic attack. It’ll go away once you’ve calmed down.“ Kyungsoo pulls his hand away once he’s finished and Jongin can see how it trembles before the boy tucks it away between his legs.

 

Kyungsoo’s voice is soothing and the way he explains things makes Jongin’s anxiety ebb away slightly. Enough for him to stop feeling as if he’s about to die but it takes a while. One or two minutes of them both just sitting there while Jongin is trying to get control over his breathing. 

 

„You’re so intelligent.“ Jongin mumbles then, sounding like a fucking idiot even to his own drugged up mind. And then it gets worse. „You’re cute.“ 

 

Kyungsoo’s eyes widen once more and he flushes again, this time it spreads across Kyungsoo’s cheeks. It’s so pretty and Jongin has this sudden urge to press his lips to the reddened skin. 

 

His thoughts scare him and he groans, bringing his hands up to cradle his head in hopes of getting his mind to shut the hell up.

 

„M-Maybe you should go home…“ Kyungsoo suggests quietly. He doesn’t say anything about Jongin’s last comment. He can’t look him in the eyes. „Sleep will make it wear off faster. And… it would be bad if you got caught.“ 

 

Jongin shakes his head. „Mom’s home… She can’t find out. I’d be grounded for the rest of the year.“ He says. He can already see it, his parents overreacting as always, thinking that he has a drug problem or something like that. God, it would be hell on earth if they found out. 

 

„Yeah but you’re in no state to go to class either.“ Kyungsoo says, frowning at him. 

 

„I’m sorry… Just. Go back to class. Taemin can come get me in the break or something.“ Jongin mutters out. He feels really sleepy now too, there’s just no way he could focus in any of his classes today, Kyungsoo is right.

 

The other boy doesn’t move, keeps looking at him with his soft eyes. Jongin feels a deep sadness bloom in his chest, knowing how Kyungsoo has been treated for the past two years.

 

If only he could turn back time. He’d do anything to be his friend. 

 

„I can’t leave you alone.“ Kyungsoo mumbles, looking away again. He plays with the hem of his shirt instead. „You wouldn’t be this bad if you wouldn’t have taken that brownie away from me.“ 

 

Jongin perks up at that again. „No, that was stupid... they- shouldn’t have done that.“ 

 

Kyungsoo looks up again and there’s something like resignation in his eyes. Jongin expects him to say I’m used to it. „Yes but.. you never stopped them before. You didn’t have to do that for me.“ 

 

„But I did.“ Jongin argues and he can’t help it when his lower lip wobbles. „I don’t want you to get hurt.“ 

 

It’s the drugs. It’s the fucking drugs. Jongin never talks openly like this. Why is he doing this, fuck fuck- He’s embarrassing himself so much..

 

„Jongin…“ Kyungsoo mumbles and there’s so much hidden in his voice that it takes Jongin’s breath away. The boy desperately avoids Jongin’s eyes at this point, staring at the floor while he blinks repeatedly. 

 

Jongin isn’t sure if it’s the first time he’s heard Kyungsoo say his name but it makes something clench inside his stomach. 

 

It feels like he should say more. Kyungsoo deserves it. He deserves it that each and every single person comes and apologizes to him even if that doesn’t change anything anymore. What’s done is done and Kyungsoo will never know why people have treated him the way they did. 

 

„I’m… my mom’s not home. We can go to my house. Until you’re feeling better..“ Kyungsoo says quietly and Jongin just wants him to look into his eyes. It feels like rejection, like Kyungsoo doesn’t want his apology and Jongin doesn’t blame him but it’s eating away at his chest. 

 

He hates himself so much in that moment.. 

 

„No, you’ve never missed school before.“ Jongin says and if either of them question why Jongin would know that they keep quiet about it. It scares Jongin too much to think about. 

 

What else did he miss?

 

What else has he never noticed about Kyungsoo?

 

„Exactly.. So it won’t matter if I do once.“ Kyungsoo says and he’s already getting up. Jongin wants to argue but it makes everything spin, how quickly Kyungsoo is moving. 

 

He tries to get up but he mostly has to push himself up with his legs and slide his back up the wall because everything is spinning. He loses his balance quite quickly though and he feels hands on his arms, steadying him.

 

Kyungsoo is close like this, smaller than him too. It makes Jongin want to make it up to him even more, keep every single person away that wants to harm him in any way. 

 

„Come on.“ Kyungsoo mumbles, keeping his head down even though Jongin tries so hard to catch his eyes, just once. 

 

They walk back to the classroom and Kyungsoo tells him to wait outside so he can tell the teacher that he’ll be taking Jongin home since he’s got a fever. He comes back a minute later, both their backpacks slung over his shoulders. 

 

„Where are the keys for your car?“ Kyungsoo asks once they’re outside. 

 

Jongin asks himself if it’s normal for Kyungsoo to know that Jongin has a car. But it probably is. He’s been coming to school with his car for almost a year now. 

 

„I can’t drive like this…“ Jongin says, pulling out the keys from the pocket of his jeans. 

 

„I can.“ Kyungsoo answers, taking the keys from Jongin’s palm. 

 

„You got your license?“ He didn’t know Kyungsoo could drive. The boy always came to school with the bus as far as Jongin knew. 

 

„I’m eighteen, of course I can drive.“ Kyungsoo has his head turned away but Jongin can see from the way his cheeks pull up that the boy is smiling. 

 

And in that moment he realizes that he hasn’t ever seen Kyungsoo smile sincerely. 

 

How fucked up is that? 

 

Kyungsoo helps him get into the passenger seat and even buckles him up when he sees Jongin struggle with the belt for a few seconds. He gets too close for a second and Jongin is good when he wants something, and what he wants right now is for Kyungsoo to look him in the eyes just so the tight feeling in his chest can go away. 

 

So when Kyungsoo is about to pull away his eyes flick up for a second and Jongin locks their gazes, sees how Kyungsoo's shoulders hunch up and the boy seems to shrink into himself. 

 

The boy looks nervous and his eyes are so big and so dark and Jongin just can’t… He wants so much in that moment, things he doesn’t understand but he knows he shouldn’t feel this. 

 

They turn away at the same time, Kyungsoo flushing and Jongin furrowing his eyebrows.

 

Jongin’s confused while Kyungsoo only seems scared.

 

He’s been confused about a lot of things when it comes to Kyungsoo. 

 

The ride home is silent. Jongin keeps dozing off but he doesn’t fall asleep because even if he closes his eyes everything keeps spinning, making him feel sick even though he knows he won’t throw up. 

 

When they reach Kyungsoo’s house the latter helps Jongin out of the car and into the house. While Kyungsoo is busy closing and locking the door Jongin tries to take in his surroundings but all he sees is spinning furniture and shaking walls.

 

„My room’s upstairs.“ Kyungsoo says quietly. 

 

Jongin nods, gulps down the weird taste in his mouth that makes him want to throw up again but. Well he’s not going to stick his fingers down his throat again, that’s for sure. 

 

He follows Kyungsoo up the stairs, albeit very slowly because he loses his balance twice and nearly falls down the stairs with it. Kyungsoo is patient though, wants to help him but Jongin shakes him off. Gently.

 

Kyungsoo’s room looks large and that’s about all that Jongin can focus onto when he steps inside. He sees the bed and it looks very nice and inviting. It’s made perfectly too and Jongin would smile if he could because his own bed is a mess. 

 

„You can sleep as long as you need to.“ Kyungsoo says and guides him to the bed with a touch that’s barely there on Jongin’s biceps. 

 

The mattress is soft when his back touches it and he could fall asleep the second he lays down.

 

„I need to tell you so much Kyungsoo.“ He slurs and Kyungsoo, who had already turned his back to him stays still at his voice, turns around again. 

 

„What?“ Kyungsoo asks and his voice shakes a little. 

 

Why is he so scared around Jongin?

 

Oh. Right. 

 

But Jongin can’t answer because his brain just shuts down. 

 

And then he’s asleep.

 

*

 

Jongin remembers waking up after that one party three months ago at Kris’ house when his parents were away on a business trip. 

 

He’d had the worst hangover the next morning. 

 

When he wakes up now it’s exactly that hangover, only two times worse. 

 

He can’t even groan or make any noise, for that matter. His mind is all fuzzy and his thoughts too messed up for him to remember anything in the first moment. 

 

And then he slowly opens his eyes and it only gets more confusing. 

 

Because first of all, he’s not in his room. 

 

Second of all, why the fuck is he not at school? 

 

And then, why is Do Kyungsoo sleeping next to him?

 

He’s about to have a major freakout but then the memories come back. 

 

The brownies, and Jongin feeling like shit, and Taemin and Kyungsoo and… and Jongin… oh god, Jongin talked so much shit.

 

It’s not like he forgot, he wasn’t drunk, just high. He remembers everything. And he… well, thinking about, he also meant everything he said. Maybe he wouldn’t have been so straight up about it sober but well. 

 

That doesn’t explain why Kyungsoo is sleeping next to him, or why Jongin’s arm is on his waist. 

 

He looks down, glad that everything looks normal again and isn’t spinning anymore. His head hurts and still feels a little airy but that's about it.

 

There are textbooks on the bed between them, markers and stuff. It looks like Kyungsoo fell asleep while he was studying. 

 

Jongin doesn’t really care why they're sleeping next to each other because Kyungsoo is curled up so nicely next to him… He has his legs drawn up slightly, one hand pressed against his own chest while the other is resting on Jongin’s shirt. His fingers are barely touching Jongin’s chest.

 

The boy looks peaceful like this, small strands of his dark hair falling across his forehead. Everything about him looks just so soft and pure, so different from Jongin.

 

He watches the rise and fall of Kyungsoo’s chest, feels the warmth radiating from his body and he finds himself looking at Kyungsoo’s soft skin. 

 

Jongin’s hand curls around Kyungsoo’s waist on instinct, as if he wants to pull him closer and thinking about it, he wouldn’t care if Kyungsoo was closer. The proximity makes him feel nervous but for entirely different reasons than it actually should. It’s nice.

 

Kyungsoo is nice…

 

Because Jongin remembers what Taemin said and he remembers what he himself told Kyungsoo. And maybe he’s just too stupid to admit things or he just doesn’t have stuff figured out. 

 

But the thought of anyone hurting Kyungsoo makes him angry. The thought of himself not doing anything about it makes him want to punch himself in the face. 

 

But what’s even worse is the thought of Kyungsoo not forgiving him. Of him not giving Jongin the chance to make things right. Or show him that Jongin cares. 

 

He takes a deep breath, eyes getting stuck on Kyungsoo’s lips. 

 

They look so soft and Jongin feels so dizzy, he doesn’t know if he can handle all those weird feelings he seems to have for this boy. 

 

But then Kyungsoo stirs, Jongin can see the way his eyes move first behind his eyelids, and then his fingers flex against Jongin’s chest and the latter holds his breath, heart beating frantically against his ribcage while Kyungsoo’s eyelids flutter open slowly.

 

Kyungsoo looks sleepy, and so cute, but only for a moment before his eyes clear up and widen. He looks up and when their eyes meet Jongin can see pure horror in them, hears Kyungsoo take in a sharp breath before he’s gone. 

 

He pushes himself from the bed so fast he tumbles down and onto the floor where Kyungsoo frantically climbs to his feet, pushes himself back into the wall with a horrible look on his face.

 

„Jongin-“ Kyungsoo gasps and he’s… why is he trembling? „I’m sorry! I was studying, I-I fell asleep I don’t know why I was so close. I swear I didn’t try anything, I didn’t touch you, please I swear-“

 

Jongin sits up and his head hurts, starts spinning but he ignores it. 

 

„Kyungsoo!“ Jongin interrupts him but then there are tears welling up in Kyungsoo’s eyes and Jongin’s words get stuck in his throat. 

 

„Please, I’m not g- Please don’t tell the others. I didn’t do anything.“ He pleads and his voice is trembling and the desperate and scared look on his face makes a lump form in Jongin’s throat. 

 

Fuck he never knew… He didn’t know how Kyungsoo felt. 

 

He never knew the boy was so scared.

 

„Kyungsoo..“ He says, taking a deep breath. „Fuck… Kyungsoo.. I won’t- why would I tell anyone? You didn’t… just please sit down again. Please, come here?“ He tries to keep his voice as gentle as possible. 

 

The other boy looks at him with wet eyes. „Aren’t you mad?“ Kyungsoo asks and he sounds doubtful for reasons Jongin doesn’t understand. Not yet anyways. 

 

„Why would I be mad? I just want to talk you.“ He pats the space in front of him and then waits. He still feels shaken about everything that has happened but this right here is the worst thing that could’ve happened. Kyungsoo being so openly scared of him.

 

Kyungsoo sniffles, eyeing him for half a minute before he walks closer to the bed with small steps. He climbs onto the mattress carefully and keeps his distance while he sits down. And then it's quiet again, with Kyungsoo looking at the textbooks between them. 

 

Quiet and sweet Kyungsoo who spends his time marking his textbooks and going through his notes, not harming a soul… and then getting treated like that at school for reasons no one can say. 

 

It almost makes Jongin cry. 

 

„Why… why did you think I was mad?“ Jongin wants to know. He does understand, to some extent but… he never made a homophobic comment towards anyone. Hell, minutes earlier he looked at Kyungsoo’s lips with a tongue that felt like cotton in his mouth from how much he wanted to… to-

 

Kiss.

 

His heart jumps at the thought so he focuses on Kungsoo’s hands instead. Such small hands. 

 

„Isn’t that obvious?“ Kyungsoo asks in a whisper. He shakes his head. „I was lying so close to you. I was… touching you.“ 

 

„So?“ Jongin asks carefully. 

 

Kyungsoo looks up at that, frowning. His eyes are red rimmed now and he looks so devastated yet so beautiful. Nothing about him is anything less than beautiful. Jongin wonders if he’s been sleeping all this time, for never noticing all those things about Kyungsoo. 

 

„Jongin I don’t… I don’t understand. Is this a prank? Is there a camera somewhere?“ The boy looks around in his room as if he’s trying to find a hidden phone or something. 

 

Jongin can’t do anything but gape stupidly. „N-No Kyungsoo, why would I-“

 

„Are you trying to out me? Is that it?“ Kyungsoo then asks, and his voice is louder, tears are gathering in his wide eyes and everything about this feels like a punch right into Jongin’s gut. 

 

Kyungsoo’s angry, of course he is but Jongin isn’t- he would never do that. It hurts to think that Kyungsoo doesn’t have any trust in him at all but then again, why would he?

 

They weren’t friends. Kyungsoo’s suffered for so long and Jongin’s only watched from the sidelines when all it took for the bullying to stop would have been on single word from him. 

 

One word and he could’ve helped Kyungsoo. 

 

He just never saw how bad it actually was. Sure his friends always called him names and stuff but they never physically hurt him. Maybe that’s why Jongin never stepped in. 

 

He always told himself that he would stop should they try and actually hurt the boy.

 

He should’ve realized that Kyungsoo was hurting all along.

 

Jongin shakes his head because Kyungsoo is looking at him as if he already gave up, on the verge of moving away and kicking Jongin out or something like that. „Kyungsoo, please you have to believe me. I would never do something like that. I know… you don’t have a reason to trust me but I swear I would never do that to you. Or to anyone for that matter.“ 

 

Kyungsoo doesn’t look convinced but he isn’t crying and he isn’t pushing him away, or kicking him out. So that’s good. „Your friends have been calling me a faggot and whatnot for years. What… what was I supposed to think?“ He mumbles quietly, shakes his head and brings a sleeve up to rub it over his eyes. 

 

„I know. And I never did anything about it… I’m an asshole, I would change it if I could but I can’t turn back time…“ He says and he really means it but like, that isn’t helping, right? It doesn’t help Kyungsoo. It doesn’t make everything okay. 

 

Kyungsoo shrugs, inhaling deeply. „I’m not blaming you. I never blamed you. It’s not like I couldn’t have stood up for myself. I’m not helpless or weak, you know… but I just couldn’t bother anymore. So I don’t blame you. I mean, I kind of understand… They would’ve thought you were gay too if you stood up for me.“ 

 

Jongin wants to say no but then he realizes that Kyungsoo is…

 

He’s right.

 

He’s had his fair share of girlfriends in the past, so he shouldn’t have cared if his friends called him gay. He shouldn’t have cared either way. Not when he knew, deep down, that it always made him feel warm to simply see Kyungsoo sit a few rows in front of him, taking his notes and just keeping to himself.

 

But he did. 

 

And when he looks at Kyungsoo now, at his soft looking eyebrows and his wide eyes, the gentle slope of his nose or his plump lips he feels this thing in his lower abdomen. And well. 

 

It’s kind of obvious and Jongin’s always been an idiot. 

 

„You should blame me.“ Jongin mumbles quietly. He shakes his head, feeling incredibly frustrated with himself and the fact that it took him so long to man up to so many things. „I would really feel better if you just… punched me in the face or something.“ 

 

He hears Kyungsoo make a soft sound and when he looks up the boy is almost smiling. It’s kind of wonderful. „I don’t want to punch you, Jongin. You were probably the only person who’s been nice to me all this time.“ 

 

Jongin frowns at that. „I thought you and Luhan were friends too.“ 

 

Kyungsoo smiles, although it’s slightly sad. „Not really.. Luhan’s just nice to everyone. But he never liked me.“

 

„Does that mean I like you?“ Jongin asks, his stomach clenching because he doesn’t really know where this is going. He doesn’t know if he’s supposed to tell Kyungsoo. About the things he’s feeling. Just… About everything. 

 

The other boy sucks in a breath and then shakes his head quickly, flushing all over. „N-No.. I didn’t mean that. I just meant… because you did that today. No one did something like for me before. Is all.. i meant.“ 

 

Jongin nods slowly and then he thinks fuck it. 

 

That’s what he thought this morning too, right before he ate that stupid brownie for Kyungsoo and look where that got him. 

 

„I do like you though.“ He says and he holds his breath, waiting for some kind of reaction but Kyungsoo just blinks at him as if they speak two different languages. „Kyungsoo… do you understand? I think…“ He stops there, bringing a hand up to run it through his hair. 

 

Why is it so hard? Taemin said it as if it was nothing this morning. If his friend thinks it’s nothing then so should Jongin. 

 

But why does he feel like he’s going to pass out any second then? 

 

„Uh… Jongin.“ Kyungsoo shifts around nervously and his cheeks are very red, Jongin doesn’t understand why. People normally don’t blush around him. But it feels nice. And it somehow makes it easier to speak, knowing that Kyungsoo is probably more scared than him. 

 

„I’m not good with words.. I just. I think I like you. A lot.“ Jongin says, pressing his mouth closed tightly after that. Everything stops, he can’t believe he just said that. But then again it doesn’t feel wrong. 

 

But the way Kyungsoo is looking at him makes him think that it is wrong, that he should’ve shut up and just left a long time ago. 

 

„This isn’t funny.“ Kyungsoo whispers, and he looks angry and confused and he’s backing away. Jongin shakes his head, reaching out to get him to stop moving back but Kyungsoo pushes his hand away. „I take back what I said, you’re just as heartless as them.“

 

„What?“ Jongin’s voice is high because he’s confused and he’s scared too, okay? Because his heart is beating so fast just because of Kyungsoo and this has never happened to him, he doesn’t know what to do but Kyungsoo reacting like this doesn’t help. 

 

Jongin doesn’t blame him but it just- it makes it so much harder. 

 

„Kyungsoo wait“ This time Kyungsoo lets him when Jongin puts a hand on his wrist, pulling him closer. The textbooks get crunched underneath their legs but Jongin has to make Kyungsoo believe him. He doesn’t know how but he just has to make him see. „I should’ve realized a long while ago but I didn’t, I don’t know why now but I just… I want to make you smile. I want to see you happy.. I want to hold your hand and I want to make sure no one says anything hurtful to you anymore. That’s… that’s all I know. I’m sorry I can’t give you more. And Kyungsoo I-I think you’re kind of beautiful.“

 

There’s silence between them, with Jongin finding it hard to breathe and Kyungsoo looking at him with those wide eyes. 

 

And then the other boy’s face suddenly crumbles into something that feels like a stab right into his heart. „Stop, Jongin, please… you know I have a crush on you, how can you do this?“ 

 

„You-“ Jongin shifts closer, puts a hand to Kyungsoo’s arm to make sure the boy doesn’t move away. „Kyungsoo, how was I supposed to know? You never told me!“

 

„Did you expect me to? With all your friends treating me like that every day? I would’ve been a fool to speak up about it!“ Kyungsoo shakes his head, his voice is laced with anger and frustration but his eyes give away different emotions. 

 

„No, I mean I understand… but… you have a crush on me?“ Jongin asks carefully, holds back a stupid, gleeful smile at the information. It makes his heart flutter in his chest, to think that such a sweet person like Kyungsoo could like him in that way. 

 

Kyungsoo shrugs, the tips of his ears flushing again. Jongin literally can’t take his eyes away. „Of course I have, how could I not?“ Kyungsoo looks up again, sees the confusion written on Jongin’s face. „Of course you don’t remember…“ 

 

„Remember what?“ Jongin asks, feeling kind of worried that he might’ve forgotten about something that clearly is important to Kyungsoo. 

 

„When I moved here, my mom and I came over for tea and we watched Naruto in your room and you showed me your Marvel comics. You were just… really kind. And funny.“ Kyungsoo shakes his head while a little smile spreads across his face. 

 

Jongin watches his smile grow and feels butterflies in his stomach. Kyungsoo is smiling because of a memory of them together and if that isn’t the best thing in the world then he doesn’t know what is. 

 

„You… had a crush on me. All this time?“ Jongin then asks carefully. He’s scared of the answer. Of what that could’ve been, Jongin simply having been too stupid and too stubborn to see the possibilities. 

 

But Kyungsoo looks up, his smile is suddenly so fucking sad when he nods. It breaks Jongin’s heart right there, makes it beat even harder against his ribcage.

 

„Fuck…“ Jongin croaks out, throat feeling tight all of a sudden. „I’m sorry.. If I would’ve known-“

 

„Do you think it would’ve changed anything?“ Kyungsoo cuts in quietly. „Do you seriously think you would’ve returned my feelings?“

 

„I don’t know.. Kyungsoo, how am I supposed to know?“ 

 

Jongin doesn’t know what he’s supposed to say, how to make Kyungsoo believe that he does feel things now and that it’s real. 

 

„I wish I could turn back time to find out but I can’t.. But I feel something now, okay? I know you don’t believe me but there’s only four months left until graduation and I just.. Please just- give me a chance to prove it to you.“ 

 

Kyungsoo shakes his head. „How could you prove it to me?“ 

 

Jongin can only think of one thing and if that doesn’t work he has no idea what to do. 

 

How can you make someone believe that your telling the truth? Never having given them a reason to trust you before. Because that’s how it is, and it’s perfectly normal for Kyungsoo to not believe him. 

 

It’s just really unfortunate. 

 

So he takes Kyungsoo’s hand, tries to ignore how the boy flinches at the touch, and guides it to his chest, like he did before today in the bathroom. 

 

Except that his heart isn’t beating this fast because of the drugs anymore. 

 

Kyungsoo’s palm presses against his chest softly through the fabric and it takes Jongin’s breath away, how he can feel his own heart beat frantically against the other boy’s palm.

 

He can’t be any more honest than this. He just doesn’t know how… 

 

Jongin hears the hitch in Kyungsoo’s breath, sees the boy’s eyebrow scrunch up in the middle and he doesn’t know what it means but Kyungsoo’s fingers curl against his chest and into the material of his t-shirt. Jongin holds his breath and Kyungsoo doesn’t pull away when Jongin’s thumb runs over the skin of his knuckles. 

 

„Jongin…“ Kyungsoo mumbles, his voice wavers. „I don’t… I don’t want to get hurt. I don’t want to be a stupid experiment to you..“

 

Jongin curls his fingers around Kyungsoo’s hand, shakes his head. „You’re not. Kyungsoo I know you don’t have a reason to but… you just have to trust me. I’ve never been able to hurt you… andI never would, not on intention, because I’m really stupid sometimes and I do stupid things but I will try my best..“ 

 

Kyungsoo looks at him quietly, his eyes look watery and it almost makes Jongin want to cry too. „You’re serious?“ 

 

He nods, worries at his lip. He’s not sure how much more of this tension he can take, his heart feels like it’s going to burst inside of him. „Yeah.“ 

 

„I know you think I’m weak.“ Kyungsoo says, sniffling a little. His fingers curl tighter into his shirt, shaking slightly so Jongin holds on tighter. „But I will hurt you if you’re fucking with me right now.“ He whispers and it leaves Jongin gaping like an idiot at Kyungsoo.

 

Kyungsoo just cursed and he threatened him too and he doesn’t know why the hell it makes him so damn happy but his stomach is tingling and a stupid smile is spreading across Jongin’s face. „You can. You can punch me in the face as much as you want if I fuck this up.“ 

 

He waits, looks at Kyungsoo with a lot of uncertainty and watches how the other glares at him through his watery eyes and Jongin doesn’t really know what this means but he doesn’t get to ask because just as he opens his mouth Kyungsoo leans forwards and suddenly there are arms around Jongin’s neck, pulling him so close he can barely breathe.

 

Jongin freezes at first because he’s being hugged very intimately without warning and from a _guy_ as well. He holds his breath and when he starts breathing again, he catches a whiff of Kyungsoo’s sweet scent and his stomach does a weird flop, his skin prickling when he realizes how much of their bodies are touching. 

 

This feels too right and too good and his arms come up on instinct, slipping around Kyungso’s waist to pull him closer. 

 

He exhales shakily, feels Kyungsoo tremble against him and it’s a lot to take in but also not enough. He buries his face in Kyungsoo’s neck, finding soft and warm skin there. They boy smells like fabric softener and something else, sweet and so different from how Jongin must smell. 

 

Jongin must smell so disgusting after sweating like a pick because of those damn drugs.

 

But Kyungsoo doesn’t seem to care, because he hides his face in Jongin’s shoulder in such an endearing way it leaves Jongin wondering how the boy was threatening him mere seconds earlier. He doesn’t really care.

 

He’s pretty sure he would like every side of Kyungsoo as long as it’s just him. 

 

There are hands threading through the hairs at the nape oh his neck and the touch is so gentle, so careful it makes Jongin shudder and close his eyes, hold on just a bit tighter. 

 

He doesn’t want to mess this up. He really doesn’t. 

 

Kyungsoo pulls away a while later, having calmed down slightly but they’re still close, arms hooked around each other.

 

Jongin honestly didn’t think he could fall like this, with an aching heart and butterflies in his chest but here he is, barely able to look at Kyungsoo without wanting him to pull close again and press kisses all over his skin. 

 

Fuck, why did it take him so long? Why does Jongin have to be such an idiot when it comes to feelings? He missed out on all of this, wasted his time on relationships that were never meant to last when Kyungsoo was there all along… 

 

„I’m sorry it took me so long.“ Jongin says quietly. He can feel Kyungsoo’s warm breath on his face, on his lips. 

 

Kyungsoo huffs out a breath and shakes his head. „It's okay… maybe the time wasn't right.“ 

 

Jongin gulps, reaches a careful hand out to brush away a tear from the corner of Kyungsoo’s eye. „What about now?“ 

 

The other boy licks his lip, strokes his fingers over the bumps of his spine on his nape softly. It’s a contrast to a lot of things in Jongin’s life, everything’s rough and solid for him. He never has to be gentle with soccer and it’s not gentle to him in return but he has to be with Kyungsoo. He wants to be good for Kyungsoo. 

 

He likes the touch, warm and tender and he leans closer until their noses are almost touching. 

 

„I think now's good.“ Kyungsoo says then, tilting his head so the tips of their noses touch. 

 

Jongin doesn’t know if it’s okay to already kiss Kyungsoo but the boy isn’t pulling away and their breaths are mingling, Kyungsoo’s hands curl into his hair and Jongin has to hold onto Kyungsoo’s sweater to stop them from shaking too much. There’s so much warmth between them, his heart is throbbing from the intimacy and he feels like he’ll die if he can’t feel Kyungsoo’s lips. 

 

He leans closer, slowly, to give the other time to pull away but he doesn’t. Jongin feels his warm breath on his lips one last time before he pushes his lips against Kyungsoo’s. 

 

Kyungsoo’s hands tighten in his hair and something inside Jongin clicks. 

 

If he’s had doubts before he doesn’t have them now. Nothing in his life has felt more right than this. 

 

He pulls Kyungsoo closer when their lips part again, both of them opening their eyes and Jongin can’t look away, warmth pooling in his stomach when Kyungsoo climbs into his lap, as close as possible before their lips meet again. A soft peck, two and then one more just because Kyungsoo’s lips are so soft and make something flare up inside him that just can’t get enough of kissing him. Kyungsoo makes a soft noise against his lips and Jongin’s breath catches in his throat when he feels a full body shudder go through the other boy from how they’re pressed together like this. 

 

Jongin can almost feel Kyungsoo’s heart beat like this too and he’s sure he’s never met anyone so precious as Kyungsoo in his entire life. It makes him want to hold the boy closer and keep him safe.

 

Their lips smack when they part and Jongin finds that he can’t catch his breath but it’s okay because Kyungsoo is panting too and he’s so flushed and beautiful. 

 

And when he looks up, into Kyungsoo’s wide and glazed eyes, sees a shy little smile spread across his face he thinks that he probably should thank Baekhyun later. 

 


	2. Two

When Jongin walks down the stairs minutes later, still a little wobbly on his legs (though he’s not sure if that’s because of the drugs not having weared off yet or the fact that he’d been kissing Do Kyungsoo mere moments ago) he thinks there should be at least one small part of himself that’s freaking out.

 

But then Kyungsoo lightly pushes him aside to open the door for him, his smaller hand gripping his biceps gently to do so and Jongin really just can’t feel anything but pure excitement.

 

Kyungsoo opens the door and looks up at Jongin from underneath his bangs when the younger doesn’t move. Jongin can’t help it.

 

He really wants to grab Kyungsoo and pull him close to kiss him again. But Kyungsoo still looks flushed and nervous and maybe that would be a bit too much for one day.

 

Jongin walks out the door and turns around to face Kyungsoo again. Jongin stares quietly even though everything inside him is a mixture of butterflies and nervous hysteria and Kyungsoo stares back, bites his lip until it all just gets too much and a smile appears on both their faces.

 

“Are you busy tomorrow?” Jongin asks without really thinking it through.

 

He’s pretty sure he’s got plans himself, he can vaguely recall agreeing to go shopping with Sehun and Baekhyun.

 

Kyungsoo’s eyes widen a bit. He still doesn’t look as if he actually understands what’s going on. Like he doesn’t believe it, the things Jongin said.

 

Jongin doesn’t blame him but it still hurts a little.

 

“I.. uhm.” Kyungsoo shrugs. “I was planning to study.”

 

He really tries not to let his shoulders sag or to show the disappointment on his face. “Oh yeah.Okay.” Jongin replies.

 

It’s just that. Kyungsoo saying no means they won’t see each other until Monday and Jongin is just worried. He’s worried that all that time to think it through will make Kyungsoo regret what they did.

 

“See you at school then.” Jongin says and smiles and is about to turn around.

 

It’s his fault to be honest. He should’ve known better than to expect Kyungsoo to simply forgive him like that.

 

He’s already by his car when he hears footsteps rushing after him. He turns around again to see why Kyungsoo followed him and is met by worried eyes. They’re just so wide, and his cheeks so red and Jongin doesn’t know how to not lean closer and it takes so much to stop himself.

 

“Why did you ask?” Kyungsoo wants to know.

 

“Because… I thought we could hang out. If you wanted, that is.” Jongin shrugs.

 

Kyungsoo stares at him for a moment. “I have time in the evening.” He says cautiously and Jongin really tries not to light up like a puppy that welcomes his owner home but he’s always been an idiot.

 

“You do?” He asks because he’s scared something really stupid might come out otherwise.

 

Kyungsoo nods and he smiles at Jongin’s reaction even if it’s brief and small. “Uhm… do you… what do you want to do?”

 

Jongin shakes his head. “What do you want to do?”

 

Kyungsoo looks irritated. “I asked first.”

 

“But your opinion’s more relevant.”

 

“Jongin-“

 

“Okay okay.” Jongin laughs at how flustered Kyungsoo gets. “We could watch some Naruto. How about that?”

 

Kyungsoo looks as if he’s trying to keep a straight face but there’s a smile nonetheless, cute and overwhelming. “You, watching Naruto, on a Saturday night?”

 

And Kyungsoo probably didn’t even mean it like that, or maybe he did, Jongin doesn’t know but it makes him feel bad about everything.

 

“I’m not always out partying.” He says and watches how Kyungsoo’s face falls.

 

“I didn’t mean that.” The older mumbles, looking down at his socked feet now. “I know you’re not.”

 

“I’d rather spend my Saturdays with you.” Jongin says next, trying to get over the mood that’s settled around them. “Plural.” He adds for emphasis and watches with giddiness how Kyungsoo blushes a bit and takes a step closer to him.

 

Like maybe he’s not all that scared of Jongin.

 

“I’d like that.” Kyungsoo says and looks up to smile weakly.

 

Jongin wants to reach out and brush his fingers over Kyungsoo’s cheeks. They’re bunched up like this when he’s smiling and it’s the cutest thing he’s ever seen. “I’ll text you.”

 

There’s confusion in Kyungsoo’s eyes and Jongin knows why.

 

“I have your number from when we worked together. For the project. Remember?”

 

Kyungsoo nods. “I remember.”

 

“Okay. Then…” He wants to kiss Kyungsoo goodbye but he knows he can’t and shouldn’t. He knows it’s too early for that stuff and the kiss from before was just.. it was just in the heat of the moment. They have things to work through before Jongin could kiss those lips without the fear of scaring Kyungsoo away. It doesn’t mean it’s easy though, holding back.

 

“See you tomorrow.” He says and Kyungsoo nods before Jongin turns around to open the door to his car.

 

He’s already halfway in when he hears the hushed “Wait”

 

There are hands grasping at the back of his shirt and Kyungsoo lets go when Jongin turns around but he’s standing close enough for the tips of their feet to touch.

 

“What?” Jongin asks, his voice coming out way softer than intended. He looks down at Kyungsoo who’s hiding his face behind his bangs but his hands reach out to touch the fabric of Jongin’s shirt again and it’s such a careful movement it almost breaks Jongin’s heart, how cautious Kyungsoo is about everything.

 

Kyungsoo doesn’t say anything when he steps closer, he keeps his face hidden as he wraps his arms around Jongin’s waist and presses himself against his chest, face hidden there while he squeezes Jongin close.

 

Jongin feels like his heart wants to beat out of his chest and into Kyungsoo’s palm and all he wants to do is hold Kyungsoo forever and make sure he’s fine and happy and maybe kiss him a little to make him smile.

 

He wraps his own arms around Kyungsoo smaller form, pulls him closer and feels him rub his face against Jongin’s shoulder.

 

“Thank you.” He hears Kyungsoo mumble.

 

It makes Jongin gulp miserably. “What are you thanking me for Kyungsoo?”

 

“Just…” Kyungsoo shrugs, snuggles closer and Jongin feels a little out of breath.

 

It’s quiet for a while, neighbors probably see them hugging and there will be talk but Jongin doesn’t even care. He’d be honored if people thought Jongin could be with someone like Kyungsoo.

 

“I’m sorry.” He mumbles into Kyungsoo’s ear. “I’m really sorry.”

 

Kyungsoo shakes his head. “Don’t apologize. I’m not remorseful Jongin so just… stop.”

 

Jongin closes his eyes because he’s a piece of shit and Kyungsoo deserves someone who actually deserves holding him like this. Jongin did nothing to deserve and yet here they are. It feels wrong and right at the same time and he’s so selfish but he doesn’t want Kyungsoo to have someone else. He wants to be the one to call Kyungsoo his. Because no matter what Kyungsoo said, about him having a crush on Jongin, crushes come and go. They’re frail and short-winded and people are only beautiful from afar, except maybe for Kyungsoo because honestly, after everything, he’s a person to Jongin that’s practically the epitome of everything that makes out a good human being.

 

Jongin’s slightly terrified what Kyungsoo’s going to think of him once he takes a closer look at him, finds out just how flawed Kim Jongin actually is.

 

“Kyungsoo.”

 

The boy pulls back to look into Jongin’s face and he smiles before leaning up - and Jongin knows he’s pushing onto the tip of his toes to reach - to press his soft lips against Jongin’s cheek. It’s a gentle and warm touch, much like Kyungsoo himself and Jongin closes his eyes, wanting to feel those lips on every patch of his skin.

 

“See you tomorrow.” Kyungsoo says once he has pulled back, flushed all over and gone before Jongin can even open his mouth to say something back. He can only watch how Kyungsoo hurries back inside and how the spot his soft lips had pressed to is now warming up like it does when the sun touches your skin.

 

 

 

*

 

 

 

 

 

As soon as Jongin gets home he goes up to his room and jumps into bed. Even after napping for hours at Kyungsoo’s, he still feels tired as hell. 

 

His thoughts are a mess and he feels butterflies everywhere thinking about Kyungsoo and what’s going to happen from now on. 

 

It’s not that he isn’t nervous or worried because he is. Just because he got high today doesn’t mean he suddenly isn’t a fucking coward anymore. 

 

Everything in him screams to hold Kyungsoo’s hand in front of everyone next week at school. That he’s not going to stand aside and watch them bully the boy any longer.

 

But a part of him isn’t so sure if he’ll be able to do that.

 

He groans into his pillow. He’s such a fuckup.

 

Kyungsoo’s so awfully nice and Jongin really, really doesn’t want to betray him. He doesn’t want to fuck things up before he’s even had a chance to prove himself, not after having failed over and over again until now when it came to Kyungsoo. 

 

Because when he kissed Kyungsoo before, he’s felt things none of his girlfriends had made him feel before. Like a sense of security, responsibility. Things like wanting to look into Kyungsoo’s eyes forever, watch him smile and listen to his voice. Hold him close and make him happy. 

 

He’s grinning like an idiot after a while, thinking about how shy Kyungsoo is but how he threatened him at the same time. 

 

Seriously, fuck him if he messes this up. 

 

There’s a knock at his door and his mother’s peaking her head inside after a moment. „Jongin? Are you sleeping?“

 

Jongin groggily lifts his head up and sees the phone in her hand. „No. What is it?“

 

„Sehun wants to talk to you.“ She says, walking over to give him the phone. 

 

Jongin frowns and takes it. Why doesn’t Sehun call him on his cellphone? 

 

„Are you okay? You look tired.“ His mom says. 

 

Jongin nods, the lie slipping out easily. „Tired from school.“ 

 

She nods and leaves the room again, Jongin sags against his bed and puts the phone to his head. „Hey.“

 

„Hey.“ Sehun groans right back at him. His voice sounds muffled, as if he’s talking through a pillow or from underneath a blanket. „How are you feeling?“

 

„Better.“ Jongin shifts to his side, wants to hang up and sleep forever. „How about you?“ He worries for his friend now, feels bad for leaving him. Sehun had been just as much of a mess as Jongin was. „You didn’t get caught, did you?“

 

„Nah.“ Sehun mumbles and yawns after. „Taemin took me home after the lesson. I slept like a baby until now.“ 

 

Jongin snorts. „Yeah, me too. How fucking stupid.“ 

 

He hears Sehun chuckle a bit and then it’s quite for a while. Jongin can feel his pulse pound in his temples, annoying and tiring. 

 

His thoughts drift to Kyungsoo almost instantly, worry and excitement once again causing a wild wave of dizziness to wash over him. „You left with Kyungsoo.“ Is what Sehun says next, and it makes Jongin freeze a little, in the middle of thoughts about Kyungsoo’s hesitant smiles and the way his arms had felt around him when they kissed.

 

He doesn’t say anything, doesn’t know what to say. The only thing he feels is fear because what the hell is he supposed to do when he starts shitting his pants when his best friend only mentions the boy’s name? 

 

„Jongin?“ 

 

...

 

„Yes.“

 

„What was that about?“ Sehun asks, sounding more sober and awake now. 

 

„I don’t know.“ He gulps. 

 

Sehun hums. „Do you want to know what I think?“ 

 

"Not really."

 

„I think you’re an idiot. Took you a fucking space brownie to grow some balls and get over your gay little freak out.“ 

 

„What?“ Jongin croaks out. 

 

„Jongin.“ Sehun sighs and Jongin can just imagine him rolling his eyes. „I’ve known you my entire life. Do you seriously, seriously think, in all these years, I haven’t ever noticed how you watch that guy sometimes? I know I suck at school but I’m not a complete idiot you know.“ 

 

„You don’t…“ Jongin starts, not really knowing what to say. „You don’t sound disgusted.“ He settles for, a bitter smile following his statement.

 

His eyes sting for a moment but he pushes it back. 

 

„No. I’m sad, actually. That you’ve never talked to me about it.“ Sehun is quite again and Jongin’s eyes are fluttering, fighting sleep, probably fighting this talk too. „I never did anything to Kyungsoo, if you haven’t noticed.“

 

„I know that.“ Jongin utters. It’s true though, Sehun was much like Jongin in this entire Kyungsoo dilemma. Never hurt the boy, never called him names.

 

Never fucking stopped their friends when they were being assholes to him.

 

„Sehun.. Look… It’s not because I don’t trust you. I would trust you with my life, you know that.“ 

 

„Yeah.“ Hist best friend sighs. „So why then?“ 

 

„I just.. I didn’t know what the hell it was. Why I was thinking about him… so much.“ Jongin’s voice breaks and his face heats up. He hasn’t talked to anyone about Kyungsoo and it’s hard, almost suffocating. Like his neck starts feeling hot and his heart is racing and everything. He’s never talked about a boy like this, has done so plenty of times when it was concerning a girl, earning cat calls and proud clasps to the back in the locker rooms from his friends for it. 

 

He can only imagine the look on their faces if he would tell them the same about a guy. And Kyungsoo out of all people too. 

 

„Well, do you know now?“ Sehun asks. 

 

„I like him. That’s… that’s all.“ Jongin bites his lip and presses his eyes closed. He somehow wishes Kyungsoo would be here. Even if he doesn’t deserve it in the slightest, Kyungsoo is such a nice person, he’d probably hold Jongin’s hand and smile at him encouragingly. Or that’s what Jongin tells himself to calm his insides.

 

„Okay. Cool.“ Sehun says, yawns too as if all of this is nothing but a normal conversation between them. As if Jongin hasn’t just told him that he likes a boy. Like it’s not a problem for Sehun. Jongin wants to scream and cry at the same time. „I’m with you, you know that right?“ Sehun adds, to make things worse.

 

„I know.“ Jongin takes a deep breath. „Thank you.“ 

 

„We still up for shopping tomorrow?“ Sehun asks and yawns again, changes the subject. Just like that.

 

„Yeah.“ Jongin says, rubs at his eyes.

 

„Hey, before I hang up.. I’m proud of you. And I love you.“ Sehun says and then „No homo.“ 

 

„Asshole.“ Jongin snorts and Sehun laughs on the other end. It makes his chest feel lighter. Makes him feel better about the situation, the fact that someone knows. „I love you too.“ 

 

They hang up and it takes only a minute for the storm of thoughts in his head to die down before he’s fast asleep. 

 

 

 

 

 

*

 

 

 

They don’t go shopping.

 

Baekhyun is pissed at them but Sehun and Jongin barely make it out of bed without wanting to throw up. This is worse than every hangover he’s had so far and he swears he’s never going to touch anything like that ever again.

 

His mom has to work at the hospital until midnight and feels reluctant to leave him alone at home since his dad is out of city for a meeting for the weekend but Jongin assures her that he must’ve caught a cold or something. Obviously not mentioning that he’s this messed up from a freaking space brownie (or two) he ate during school. 

 

It’s good that she’s working anyways, this way he doesn’t have to explain to her why he’s cleaning his room for the first time in months. Like properly cleaning, not just throwing all the shit underneath his bed and into his closet. 

 

It takes him the entire afternoon but after seeing how nice Kyungsoo’s room had been he feels like a piece of shit about himself. There’s even a rotten apple in one of his drawers, like why the hell would he put it there in the first place? He was too lazy to bring it down into the kitchen and then just hid it so it wasn’t his responsibility to take care of anymore.

 

Or to just ignore it until it was impossible to ignore anymore, a lot like his awful grades in English.

 

Once he’s done he remembers that him and Kyungsoo haven’t really fixed a time. Haven’t really fixed anything really. And knowing the boy’s character, he’s pretty sure he’s not going to make the first step. Not that he blames him. 

 

So he picks up his phone and looks for his chat with Kyungsoo. He’s surprised and slightly sad to see just how far he has to scroll down to find their chat, the last message having been send three months ago, just a quick affirmation from Kyungsoo that he was done proofreading their paper.

 

He’s not sure what he’s supposed to write, how he’s supposed to phrase it. He doesn’t want to scare Kyungsoo away but he also wants to make sure the other knows that he’s being serious. 

 

** \- hey kyungsoo :) do you still want to hang out tonight? **

 

He contemplates adding an ‚x‘ at the end but thinks that it’s probably too much. He never does that anyways but he thinks he’d do it if Kyungsoo likes that kind of stuff. But how would Jongin know? 

 

He sends the message without thinking it over too much. He still has to shower and clean out the dishwasher, something that always takes him almost an hour since he can’t figure out where his mom keeps the dishes. He never does it right anyways, drives his mom mad with how she has to clean up after him.

 

Kyungsoo doesn’t answer immediately but when Jongin gets out of the shower there are two messages from him and he blushes to himself when he realizes that his stomach does a nervous little flip at the notifications on his display. 

 

** \- Do you feel better though?  **

 

** \- I don’t want to intrude if you’ve changed your mind.  **

 

Jongin smiles a bit and rubs the towel over his wet hair before he quickly taps a reply.

 

 

** \- im definitely better! and no i haven’t changed my mind. have you? **

 

 

He tosses the phone onto his bed to go and grab some clean briefs from his wardrobe. 

 

It’s only a minute later that his display lights up again. He rushes over to check what Kyungsoo wrote. 

 

** \- I haven't either. **

 

…

 

** \- What would you like to do? **

 

Jongin sits down on his bed. He actually thought Kyungsoo would comer over and they would watch Naruto like he said yesterday but thinking about it, he hasn’t really asked if Kyungsoo would rather go out or something. It’s not like Jongin has a problem with that, he’d gladly go to the cinema or something. But it’s a Saturday night, and there’s no party, and his friends most likely will be in town. 

 

And he’s not all that ready to face them about this yet.

 

** \- i thought we’d watch a movie or something at my place. but we can go out if you want? or i can come over. whatever suits you!  **

 

Kyungsoo’s online so he responds straight away. It’s a little stupid, Jongin really just should walk over and talk to him face to face. But he seriously is scared shitless of facing his mom, after all Jongin’s never been a great friend to Kyungsoo and his Mrs. Do must know how lonely Kyungsoo is. 

 

** \- Are your parents okay with me coming over?  **

 

It makes Jongin smile again. And he really wants Kyungsoo just to be here already. He wants to look at his cute face and hold his hand and see him smile and all of that.

 

** \- they’re both working and they love you anyways so it’s no problem. **

 

He can imagine spreading across Kyungsoo’s cheeks at his statement. Because that boy seriously doesn’t understand the effect he has on people. 

 

Well, people who aren’t as brainless as some of his friends that is. 

 

** \- Okay. When do you want me to come over? **

 

** \- Should I bring something? **

 

** \- would eight be ok? just yourself is enough :) **

 

Jongin wants to see Kyungsoo in that moment so bad but he knows he’ll have to wait. It’s not like him to be so impatient but then again, Kyungsoo does a lot of things to him in that way.

 

** \- Eight is okay. See you. **

 

And then, just as Jongin is about to pout because Kyungsoo’s texting as if this was some kind of business meeting another message pops up. 

 

** \- :) **

 

It’s just a stupid little smiley but it has Jongin grinning like an idiot all the way through sorting out his mom’s dishes.

 

 

 

 

 

*

 

 

 

 

 

The waiting part sucks.

 

It’s like when he’s ready to go out but Sehun’s being a diva and blow dries his hair for thirty minutes, making Jongin wait in his bedroom when all he wants to do is leave for the party.

 

But this time he isn’t mad or anything, it’s just that it’s twenty-five minutes to eight and he doesn’t have anything to do and Kyungsoo probably won’t shot up a minute earlier or later than eight too. 

 

He’s changed his outfit three times and he still thinks it’s not good enough.

 

He’s wearing a light pink sweater. Pink’s a nice color, right? He’s heard that pink calms people and makes them relax and he just really wants Kyungsoo to feel comfortable around him. 

 

It sounds like he’s a fucking idiot to be honest.

 

And then those jeans. He’s wearing that pair of blue skinny jeans Sehun always says makes the girl’s mouth water at the sight of his ass. But like, it’s almost impossible to breathe in those and he ate too much ramen a few hours ago, it feels like the button’s going to pop off. 

 

How embarrassing would that be?

 

He even sent a picture of himself to Sehun, like some kind of little girl before her first date, only to have the other tease him about this entire thing with Kyungsoo.

 

Even now he’s sending Jongin voice messages about how he shouldn’t even try to make jokes tonight if he didn’t want to scare Kyungsoo away entirely. 

 

Jongin’s actually considering blocking his best friend, even if only for tonight, since Sehun’s at home and bored and thus has plenty of time to fuck up things for him. 

 

He goes through his soccer teams group chat to kill time since he’s been ignoring it as best as he could. They’re not talking about anything worth reading anyways, while he scrolls back he comes across memes Baekhyun’s done with this new app he found or some pictures of the AOA girls half naked and emojis of heart eyes following them. 

 

There are a few from yesterday night that make him hesitate.

 

 

 

**19:07 Chanyeol:** why did that fag take jongin’s things in english 2day 

 

**19:11 Baekhyun:** yeah that was weird

 

**19:11 Sehun:** stop calling him a fag you fucking idiot

 

**19:12 Chanyeol:** he’s one tho isn’t he? lol

 

**19:14 Jongdae:** not as much as you hah

 

 

Jongin feels his face heat up. God, he’s known Chanyeol for so long now and there’s a reason why they’re such good friends but he could never understand how someone like Chanyeol could be such an asshole about certain things. 

 

And he really isn’t one to go for violence as long as there are words to solve problems with but he’s not sure how he’s going to react if one of his friends openly attacks Kyungsoo like that again. 

 

 

 

**19:28 Taemin:** he drove him home since they live on the same street

 

**19:30 Chanyeol:** still weird. why would he do that if jongins an ahole to him all the time. that guy’s fucking stupid if u ask me

 

**19:32 Sehun:** jongin’s never done anything to him you dick

 

**19:33 Jongdae:** true but he’s still as much of a dick as we are

 

**19:35 Luhan:** stop spaming!

 

**19:35 Baekhyun:**  *spamming

 

**19:36 Luhan:** fuck you 

 

**19:40 Baekhyun:** why is jongin not online anyways

 

**19:41 Jongdae:** probably busy fucking the fag LOLZ$

 

**19:42 Sehun:** shut up man not cool!

 

**19:42 Jongdae:** what? a warm hole’s a warm hole

 

**19:42 Jongdae:** and jongin’s a slut anyways, he’d do anyone whos willing to spread them legs hahah :’))

 

**19:43 Chanyeol:** hahahah where’s the lie

 

**19:44 Junmyeon:** guys he can read this too you know :/

 

**19:45 Yixing:** why’s everyone picking on jongin anyways you guys almost killed him today

 

**19:45 Jongdae:** lol he’s fine

 

**19:45 Baekhyun:** come on as if jongin cares he knows were kidding

 

**19:45 Baekhyun:** right jonginnie? love u bro xx

 

**19:47 Taemin:** guys you should stop messing with kyungsoo

 

**19:50 Jongdae:** whut? o.o

 

**19:51 Baekhyun:** lol taemins go to sleep ur still high

 

**19:52 Taemin:** and you’re an idiot. might wanna ask jongin on monday

 

**19:53 Sehun:** uhm.. taemin bro. might wanna shut up?

 

**19:54 Taemin:** just saying

 

**19:55 Minseok:** no he’s right kyungsoo’s a nice guy it’s not cool :/

 

**19:56 Luhan:** yeah, how about you apologize on monday and stop the bullshit

 

**19:58 Chanyeol:** sorry but yall are fucking hypocrites. no one ever said anything and now everyones trying to be saints after jongins stunt today. are you all gay now or what?

 

**20:03 Sehun:** wow but you guys are so stupid how haven’t you died from a brainfart yet? 

 

 

 

Jongin stops reading.

 

His hands are shaking when he puts his phone away and he leans forward on the couch to hide his face inside his hands. 

 

It’s not like… it’s not like they’re lying and that’s the worst part now, isn’t it? Because Jongin did some things he regrets, broke a few hearts he never intended to break but was too much of an idiot to acknowledge his mistakes when it wasn’t too late yet.

 

And he is a fucking hypocrite. How the hell did he ever think Kyungsoo and him could work out? After everything Jongin had done. Or not done. 

 

The doorbell rings right then and Jongin feels even more nervous than before. 

 

He feels like crying but Kyungsoo’s here and he can’t fuck this up more than he already has so he stand ups and rubs his hands on his jeans. 

 

Before he opens the door he takes one last deep breath to try and stop his heart from beating out of his chest and then he twists the doorknob.

 

Kyungsoo looks just as nervous as Jongin feels, his face burrowed in the hem of his jacket since it’s still not spring yet and the cold from winter has not left the country entirely. 

 

„Hey.“ Jongin says first and the single word makes him feel really breathless. That or maybe it’s the way Kyungsoo’s cheeks have already turned a bit red from the cold. 

 

„Hello.“ Kyungsoo replies and a hesitant smile appears on his lips. 

 

„Come in.“ Jongin then says, remembering that it’s cold outside and Kyungsoo looks like he’s about to start shivering. 

 

He closes the door once Kyungsoo steps inside and presses his eyes closed, cursing himself for being so nervous. It shouldn’t be this hard, it’s not like this is the first time he’s spending time with someone he likes.

 

But then again, it is the first time, isn’t it?

 

„Uhm..“ He turns around to see Kyungsoo standing there, how he looks at Jongin with his wide eyes. He’s holding a bag in his arms and he looks so incredibly cute, it takes every ounce of strength in Jongin not to step closer and hug him. „You can give me your jacket.“ 

 

Kyungsoo nods and looks around to find a surface he can put the bag onto but there’s nothing really there so Jongin quickly steps forward to help him. „I can take it!“ 

 

The other boy smiles nervously and hands it over before he starts shrugging out of his jacket. He’s wearing a warm looking blue sweater underneath and it’s the kind of blue that reminds Jongin of his childhood, soft and pure. 

 

Kyungsoo takes the bag when Jongin hangs up his jacket for him and then looks a little lost. 

 

„Uhm.. what is that?“ Jongin asks, not really knowing what to say otherwise. That and he actually is curious what’s inside, it smells nice and Jongin is ready to eat all the time anyways. 

 

The other boy makes a confused face until he remembers the bag in his arms when he looks down at it. „Oh!“ He chuckles to himself and Jongin lets go of a relieved exhale at the sound, some of the tension leaving his back. „My mom made me bring you some rice cakes. She just made them so they’re still warm… I mean, I don’t know if you’re hungry or if you like them but…“

 

„Are you kidding? I love them! Let’s eat them before they cool down.“ Jongin reaches out to hold Kyungsoo’s wrist, not really thinking.

 

He’s like an excited puppy, has the attention span of a toddler when it comes to delicious food and he feels embarrassed the second he realizes just that but they’re already in the kitchen table so it’s a bit too late. 

 

There’s an aisle in the middle of their kitchen and Jongin always sits on it to eat even if drives his mom mad. It’s not really surprising when Kyungsoo looks at him with raised eyebrows when Jongin heaves his body onto the counter. 

 

„Sit.“ Jongin says, patting the space beside him. 

 

Kyungsoo eyes the counter for a moment before he places the bag next to Jongin, grumbling something inaudible under his breath as he climbs onto the counter.

 

Jongin tries not to smile when he sees how Kyungsoo struggles a bit at the task, remembering that the boy is actually smaller than him. 

 

He watches as Kyungsoo unwraps the bag, his eyes not able to resist looking at his profile, or how soft his hair looks when it falls down over his eyes like this. It’s almost relaxing, to look at Kyungsoo and the boy gives off such a calming vibe that it makes it hard to look away. 

 

There’s a a box inside and when Kyungsoo lifts the lid there are different colored round little rice cakes in there, still giving off steam and it literally makes Jongin’s mouth water. 

 

„Those look awesome.“ He sighs dreamily and Kyungsoo looks up at him, smiling after a moment in a way that makes his eyes disappear in an endearing way. 

 

„I hope you like them.“ Kyungsoo says and it makes Jongin be aware of the entire situation again. 

 

Makes him think of his friends’ messages, the things they said and how nice Kyungsoo’s being right now again. 

 

„You told your mom you were coming here?“ He asks carefully, not really able to meet Kyungsoo’s eyes. 

 

He feels Kyungsoo stiffen next to him. „Should I not have?“ He asks in a small voice. 

 

Jongin looks up at that again, cursing himself for phrasing it like that. „No! I mean yes. I just… didn’t she question it?“ 

 

Kyungsoo’s face morphs into something stoic. „I just said we were going to hang out, nothing else.“ He looks away from Jongin, his jaw setting. „She won’t tell your mom anything, don’t worry.“ 

 

„What?“ Jongin shakes his head frantically. „No, Kyungsoo that’s not what I meant- Just.. I mean because I’ve never been a good friend to you. She knows that… why would she even send me rice cakes?“ 

 

He takes a shuddering breath once that awful look on Kyungsoo’s face leaves for something that suits him way more. Open and gentle. „She likes you. You must be nice when she comes over to see your mom.“ Kyungsoo shrugs and finally looks up again. 

 

„I try my best.“ Jongin mumbles. „But I fucked up with you.“ 

 

Kyungsoo looks at him for a moment and then looks down at the floor. His feet are dangling a lot higher above the ground than Jongin’s are. „Is it always going to be like this?“ He asks. 

 

„What?“ 

 

„Are you always going to blame yourself?“ Kyungsoo asks quietly. „Because I don’t want this if you’re doing it out of guilt. I don’t want any of this if you’re going to feel guilty all the time.“ 

 

Jongin gulps. „I’m not doing it of guilt. But I can’t help but feel like this. I don’t know how to make it okay.“ His voice cracks a bit and he feels like a fucking loser. 

 

„You’re making it okay by being here.“ Kyungsoo says. „By… inviting me over. And by being honest. I mean.. at least I hope you are.“ 

 

„Kyungsoo, how can that be enough?“ Jongin looks into his eyes and almost loses himself in those dark orbs. „How can you forgive me just like that?“

 

Kyungsoo stares back but he looks nervous more than anything. „But there is nothing to forgive. You need to understand that if this.. if we’re going to be friends.“

 

His words make Jongin panic a bit. No, he doesn’t want to be just friends. He wants Kyungsoo more than that, he thought he had made that clear.. 

 

„And you need to stop apologizing too. Everyone makes mistakes but it’s inhuman to keep reminding them of it.“ Kyungsoo bites at his lips. „Doesn’t count for rape or murder obviously.“ 

 

Jongin can’t help but laugh at that and Kyungsoo’s pretty lips stretch into a smile too at Jongin’s obnoxious laugh. 

 

„I’m glad you’re here Kyungsoo.“ Jongin says once he’s collected the strength to do. „And that you’re giving me a chance. And I just really need you to know that I’m one hundred percent honest, and serious about this.“ 

 

Kyungsoo watches him silently and Jongin can see his Adam’s Apple bobbing up and down when he gulps. „Okay. Thank you.“ He says and when Jongin smiles at him and Kyungsoo smiles back with red cheeks it’s like they’re a couple of kids falling in love for the first time and not two young men about to graduate from High School. 

 

„So uhm.. do these taste different too or is it just food coloring?“ Jongin asks, pointing at the little cakes in the box.

 

It’s beautiful, how Kyungsoo’s face lights up at the question.

 

Jongin can remember coming home one day and there was a chocolate cake on their dinner table. And he remembers eating almost all of it because it had been so delicious. So when he asked his mom where she got the recipe from she had told him that Kyungsoo had baked it and Mrs. Do had brought it over earlier. 

 

„No. Well it is food coloring but the pink ones have strawberry flavoring and the brown ones chocolate. The green ones are green tea and the plain ones are normal, red bean.“ Kyungsoo explains and Jongin watches him while he talks, a smile forming on his face when he sees how excited Kyungsoo gets.

 

He’s not so sure if it was actually Mrs. Do who baked those cakes. 

 

„That’s so cool.“ Jongin says earnestly. „My mom only ever does red bean. Not that those aren’t good but this is amazing. Tell her that she’s amazing.“ He says and looks into Kyungsoo’s eyes intently, watches the blush rush into Kyungsoo’s cheeks as if the other boy understands that Jongin found him out. 

 

„You should try them before you judge though.“ Kyungsoo mumbles. 

 

Jongin nods and looks down at the box. „Hmm.. which one's your favorite?“ 

 

„Strawberry.“ Kyungsoo says and looks away when his eyes meet Jongin’s stare. Jongin doesn’t mean to but he seriously can’t look away from Kyungsoo. „Here.“ Kyungsoo suddenly says as he reaches down into the box to pick up a pink cake. 

 

Jongin feels like he might die when Kyungsoo moves the cake to Jongin’s mouth to actually feed him and he wants to assure the other that this is more than just okay because Kyungsoo looks like he’s about to pass out from embarrassment and fear of rejection. He opens his mouth to make it less awkward for Kyungsoo and tries to act like this isn’t making his heart race as much as it does. 

 

„It’s a bit hot inside. Be careful.“ Kyungsoo whispers before letting Jongin take a bite from it. And if this isn’t the most intense five seconds of Jongin’s life he seriously doesn’t know. Because while he takes a bite Kyungsoo doesn’t look away and Jongin feels like a helpless idiot while he stares right back, the nervous and almost… fond look in Kyungsoo’s eyes making warmth pool in his stomach. 

 

He hums around the bite in his mouth, the sweet taste making him even more happy than he already is. But it is hot and the paste inside burns his tongue a little. 

 

„Hot?“ Kyungsoo asks, pulling a face when Jongin opens his mouth like a gold fish to suck in some cold air. 

 

„Burned my tongue.“ Jongin whines and Kyungsoo tries to hold back his chuckles but he starts laughing despite the apologetic look on his face. Jongin pouts once he’s swallowed the cake down. „Why are you laughing? It hurts.“ 

 

„I’m sorry.“ Kyungsoo looks like he’s about to do something but he recoils a bit. Jongin tries not to feel disappointed. 

 

One step at a time. 

 

Kyungsoo brings the other half of the cake to his mouth to blow air onto it and Jongin tries to ignore how his heart seems to swell at the sight. 

 

He wants to keep this. He wants to have this everyday. With Kyungsoo.

 

Only with him and no one else. 

 

„Here, it should be better now.“ Kyungsoo smiles and holds the cake to Jongin’s lips before he pushes it in when Jongin opens them. It’s not as hot this time and Jongin can actually enjoy how well the cakes are made, how the paste has the perfect level of sweetness. „Good?“ Kyungsoo asks, with a hopeful glint in his eyes.

 

Jongin would’ve lied, even if those weren’t the best rice cakes he’s ever eaten, just to see Kyungsoo smile like that at him. „Just as perfect as they look.“ Jongin says, holds himself back from reaching out to kiss Kyungsoo breathless when he looks at him like this. 

 

They eat the cakes mostly in silence after that and it should feel ridiculous, how they’re stealing glances all the way through and how Jongin’s heart jumps every time their eyes lock for a moment. 

 

He doesn’t think anyone has ever made him feel like this. 

 

There are three cakes left and Jongin reaches out to take another one when Kyungsoo grabs his wrist. He looks up at him with a confused look. „What?“ He asks through the chocolate one he still hasn’t chewed up entirely. He really shouldn’t act like this, like a fucking pig, but those cakes are so good and he doesn’t want to stop eating. 

 

„Leave some for your mom.“ Kyungsoo says, taking his hand back. 

 

„I thought your mom made them for me.“ Jongin mumbles a bit dejectedly. He swallows down the bite in his mouth and looks at the remaining cakes with something like yearning in his eyes.

 

„But you had a lot already.“ Kyungsoo remarks. „And your mom always brings over nice food. It wouldn’t be polite to give her nothing back.“

 

Jongin shrugs. Nothing can really stop him if it’s concerning food. „So you like my mom more than me?“ 

 

Kyungsoo stares at him with confusion in his eyes. „I never said that.“ He answers and he doesn’t blush, not really, at least not like Jongin expected him to. He smiles though, honest and gentle. 

 

„Does that mean I can have one more?“ Jongin asks, hopeful now and Kyungsoo tilts his head. 

 

„Only one.“ He gives in finally but brushes Jongin’s hand off once more when he reaches for one. „Close… close your eyes.“ He says and the blush is back, worse than ever before and Jongin feels something stir in his stomach, wondering what it means.

 

He does as he’s told, with a heavily pounding heart as he waits for something to happen. 

 

„Open up.“ Kyungsoo says and Jongin parts his lips, like before when he feels a cake being pressed against them. He takes a bite, a big one since they’ve cooled down entirely by now and is happy when he realizes that Kyungsoo gave him the last strawberry one. 

 

He starts chewing and wonders why his eyes are still closed. „Can I open my eyes now?“ He asks through a moutfhul. 

 

„Not yet.“ 

 

Jongin stops chewing for a moment, because Kyungsoo’s voice comes out so nervous and so fucking close it almost makes him choke on the cake. He swallows it down without chewing on it enough but he doesn’t care, not when he suddenly can feel Kyungsoo’s breath on his face.

 

It happens fast. Kyungsoo presses his lips to Jongin’s for only about three seconds but it’s enough to have Jongin’s hands tingle from how much he wants to reach out and touch him. 

 

When Kyungsoo pulls away it’s with a shuddering breath that fans across Jongin’s lips and it’s only then that he blinks his eyes open. 

 

Kyungsoo is looking anywhere but Jongin and the tips of his ears are red and Jongin can feel the warmth and softness of his beautiful lips still. 

 

Jongin reaches out to touch Kyungsoo’s hand that’s supporting him on the counter and the touch makes him look up. His eyes are a little glazed over and Jongin honestly can’t understand how someone like him can have this kind of effects on people.

 

„Can I have one more?“ Jongin asks and this time he isn’t asking for a rice cake and Kyungsoo knows it too because his breath hitches audibly. 

 

He nods, his tongue coming out to run over his lips which has a shudder run down Jongin’s back from how much he wants to feel that tongue… Jongin leans closer, his hand on top of Kyungsoo’s moving up his arm until it’s resting on his biceps comfortingly when really, he needs just as much reassurance here as Kyungsoo does but he wants Kyungsoo to feel okay and that’s the only thing that matters. 

 

It makes him feel giddy, when he sees Kyungsoo’s eyes flutter closed just before their lips touch and mold together. It’s firm and soft, gentle when Jongin pulls away for half a second only to kiss him deeper at a better angle. Kyungsoo sighs against him and Jongin feels a hand on his chest, fingers grasping at his sweater and he wants to pull Kyungsoo closer but they’re still sitting sideways on the counter and he doesn’t want to make out like this even if his stomach is burning with how much he wants to feel every part of Kyungsoo. 

 

They pull away and Jongin can’t help but smile when he feels Kyungsoo’s heavy exhale against him. He rests their foreheads together for a moment, trying to calm himself before he opens his eyes and pulls away so he can look at Kyungsoo properly.

 

„You taste like green tea.“ Jongin mumbles and it’s only then that he realizes how hot his own face feels. Kyungsoo’s hand is still tangled in the front of Jongin’s sweater so he reaches up to detangle it from there only to press their palms together.

 

They both watch how their fingers move, hesitantly until they slide into the gaps of the other’s and curl down. It’s something so simple, holding hands but seeing Kyungsoo’s smaller one in his, the difference in the color of their skin, makes something lodge in Jongin’s throat and urges him to hold on tighter, pull at Kyungsoo’s hand so it rests in his lap. 

 

„You taste like strawberry.“ Kyungsoo says back. 

 

Jongin looks up from their hands to Kyungsoo’s face, watches how Kyungsoo wrenches his own eyes away. He smiles at him and he swears he’d do anything to see Kyungsoo smile like that all the time. 

 

„I really like your smile.“ Jongin says then out loud. It’s the truth. Why shouldn’t Kyungsoo know? 

 

Kyungsoo smiles wider at that but he’s trying to hide it by looking down, shaking his head once so his bangs slide in place to hide his eyes. „I like yours too.“ He says and those words make Jongin happier than he’s ever felt in a long while.

 

It’s silent for a while, with Jongin eyeing Kyungsoo’s face calmly and the latter playing with their entwined hands. Kyungsoo’s tracing the tips of his other fingers over the back of Jongin’s hand, over his knuckles while Jongin takes his time in memorizing all of his features, trying to memorize everything about this moment because it’s honestly just perfect. 

 

„Jongin?“ Kyungsoo asks after a while.

 

„Hm?“ Jongin asks back. He tightens his hold on Kyungsoo’s hand, is literally seconds away from pulling it up to press tender kisses onto it. He has no idea what Kyungsoo’s doing to him but he makes Jongin want to give him the entire world. 

 

„Didn’t we want to watch Naruto?“ He asks. 

 

„Oh… yeah. Come on.“ He hops down from the counter and waits for Kyungsoo to do the same. He misses the way Kyungsoo’s hand felt in his own but he also doesn’t want to come off too strong, just not do anything that might scare Kyungsoo away. 

 

But maybe he’s worrying too much because as Jongin leads the way to the stairs he feels Kyungsoo walk close behind, his hands brushing against the hem of Jongin’s sweater a few times before he feels nimble fingers slide over his palm. 

 

He doesn’t stand still, he wants to make this as normal and comforting as possible for Kyungsoo although everything in him is squealing. He spreads his fingers to let Kyungsoo’s slide in between and holds on tight, smiling like an idiot all the way to his room. 

 

They sit down on Jongin’s bed, their backs against the wall away from the headboard and Jongin’s laptop resting between them. 

 

He hates that device so much at the moment but he doesn’t think he could focus on Naruto at all if Kyungsoo was any closer to him than he is right now.

 

„Do you want to watch from the beginning?“ Jongin asks while he looks for the episodes. „Like, season one, very first episode?“ 

 

He turns back to look at Kyungsoo and sees him light up. „Yeah, sure. I haven’t watched those in a while.“ 

 

Jongin nods. „Me neither.“ 

 

The episode starts, they settle down and Jongin’s attention fades away after fifteen minutes, no matter how much he loves the show. 

 

He’s torn between feeling happiness and anxiety. His friends’ words are still echoing in his mind and he’s terrified of Monday. He doesn’t know what will happen, doesn’t know how to act around Kyungsoo when all he’d like to do is to go in there while he’s holding the boy’s hand.

 

It’s just not… it’s not that easy.

 

But there’s one thing he knows he certainly won’t do: he won’t fucking ignore Kyungsoo like he always did before just because he was too much of a coward to stand up for him. He’s not ashamed of him, or his feelings for him, or even the fact that Kyungsoo is a boy. 

 

It just doesn’t mean that he isn’t scared because he is. 

 

He can feel the shift in the mood, how it's going down, getting darker and he knows Kyungsoo isn't watching either. It's not just rosy, all of this. It could but it isn't, the worlds doesn't allow it, Jongin's mind isn't allowing it even though happiness is all Kyungsoo deserves.

 

„Jongin?“ Kyungsoo asks quietly. His voice makes Jongin jump and he turns his head to look at the other boy. 

 

„Hm?“

 

„Are you alright?“

 

„Yeah, why are you asking?“ Jongin tries to smile but the lump in his throat makes it a little hard.

 

Kyungsoo frowns. „You looked a bit spaced out.“

 

„Oh.“ Jongin wants to say more, wants to say that he’s fine and everything but his voice cracks.

 

He wants to be strong, wants to reassure Kyungsoo that things are okay, that he doesn’t have to worry but Jongin’s nothing but a stupid teenager and he doesn’t know how to figure all of this out without hurting Kyungsoo or getting hurt himself. 

 

„Do you want me to leave?“ Kyungsoo asks next and his voice shakes a bit.

 

„Huh?“ Jongin shakes his head. „No, no! Kyungsoo, I-…“ He trails off, lost for words. 

 

It’s silent then. Naruto is playing in the background, something that would make both of them happy in any other situation but right now it’s almost sad. 

 

„What’s… what’s going to happen on Monday?“ Kyungsoo whispers suddenly, his hands twisted together in his lap while he refuses to meet Jongin’s eyes. 

 

Jongin tries to breathe in silently but the shakiness can be heard clear as day. He wishes he could say something better but his mind is blank and his chest hurts. „I don’t know.“ 

 

Kyungsoo only nods, as if he was expecting it and it’s only just another blow to Jongin’s stomach. He’s already fucking things up again. 

 

„Are you going to ignore me?“ Kyungsoo asks and his voice wavers. Jongin looks up again, tries to see Kyungsoo’s eyes but he’s hiding them. „Are we going to ignore… all of this?“ 

 

Jongin opens his mouth to deny it but a fucking whimper comes out instead. His throat’s closing up and he doesn’t understand why he’s feeling like this, not when everything had been so good only minutes ago. „I don’t want to. Kyungsoo, I promised you… And I mean it… I don’t want to ignore you, or this. But I’m… I’m sorry, I’m a fucking coward and I just...“

 

And now Kyungsoo looks up and his eyes are wet and it breaks Jongin’s heart. „I understand that. I’m not stupid, I know what could happen. But I don’t… I don’t want this if you’re going to push me away in public. I’m- I’m sorry, I don’t want to pressure you but you gotta understand… I’ve had that done to me for years, and I don’t think I can handle it any longer. Do- do you understand?“ 

 

„No Kyungsoo, I know. I understand but please just… Monday, let me try. Please. I want this, I want you, let me try on Monday and if I fuck it up again then you can-“ His voice breaks and there are tears welling up in his eyes.

 

He doesn’t know what to do.

 

„Hey..“ Kyungsoo suddenly shuts the lid of the laptop and places it away so it isn’t sitting between them anymore. He shuffles closer and his hand reaches out carefully for Jongin’s cheek. „I know you’re scared. And I… I’d hate myself to make you feel like this. It's not okay if you’re not ready.“

 

„But I am ready.“ Jongin brings his sleeve up to rub at his nose. He doesn’t cry, blinks until the wetness goes away. He doesn’t have reason to cry, if someone should cry then it’s Kyungsoo.„I’ve waited ever since I met you, this-this is as much time as I’m going to get.“ 

 

Jongin takes a deep breath. „Would be okay if it… it wouldn’t be all at once?“ Jongin asks carefully. „I mean… we could go to school together on Monday, have lunch together.“

 

Kyungsoo gulps and he looks even sadder now. He opens his mouth and closes it again but Jongin knows that he was going to shake his head. 

 

„Sehun already knows.“ Jongin mumbles. „And I think Taemin does too.“ 

 

„What?“ Kyungsoo’s eyes are wide now and he looks paler, if that’s even possible. „You- you told t-them?“

 

Jongin shakes his head. „Sehun kind of figured it out on his own.. so I told him when he asked. Andwith Taemin it slipped out while I was high.“ 

 

„What did they say?“ Kyungsoo asks. He sounds anxious. „Jongin…“ He whines suddenly. „You’re still friends with Sehun, right? Did he- what did he say-“

 

„Hey“ Jongin turns around to palm Kyungsoo’s cheek. „He’s fine with it, Kyungsoo. Calm down.“ 

 

„Huh?“ 

 

Jongin shrugs. „He’s fine with it. I mean, there is a reason why he’s my best friend…“ He can’t help but smile. He really should buy Sehun that gift card from the bubble tea store he always wanted. 

 

„Oh o-okay…“ Kyungsoo frowns a bit. „I’m sorry. I was just.. scared. I don’t want you to lose your friends because of me.“ 

 

Jongin brushes his thumb over Kyungsoo’s cheek. „Some of my friends bullied you for years Kyungsoo, it wouldn’t be too much of a loss.“

 

„They’re not… bad people. A bit close minded maybe.“ Kyungsoo shrugs and Jongin laughs.

 

„You can say that they’re stupid, you know. I can only agree.“ He sighs. „But… a part of me just hopes they’ll come around.“ 

 

Kyungsoo nods. „I hope they will. For you.“ 

 

„I’ll make them apologize to you too.“ Jongin says after a moment. 

 

„No. I don’t need that. It’s enough if they just stop.“ 

 

„But it’s not-“

 

„Jongin.“ Kyungsoo sighs and pulls Jongin’s hand away from his face. „If they apologize they will only do it for you, they wouldn’t mean it. They don’t like me, they don’t care about my feelings. What’s done is done and an insincere apology is just about the last thing I want from them.“ 

 

Jongin looks at him for a while, feeling worse than ever but then he nods silently. „Okay. You're right I’m sorry.“

 

„It’s fine. Don’t apologize.“ Kyungsoo says quietly. „And please don’t worry too much about Monday. I won’t do anything that could put you in a bad position.“ 

 

„Kyungsoo…“ Jongin closes his eyes and reaches out to pull the smaller boy closer to him. The words feel like a stab to the heart. „When do you ever think about yourself?“ 

 

„I like thinking about you more.“ Kyungsoo mumbles and Jongin can’t help but smile despite the sadness clouding his mind. It’s Kyungsoo’s words that help him calm down. Kyungsoo who’s gone through so much shit still caring so much for Jongin. Still putting him in first place after everything and here Jongin is, whining about being scared of peoples' reactions who have been nothing but awful to Kyungsoo. Why the fuck does he even care? 

 

The only thing Jongin should care about is the way Kyungsoo's sitting here, looking a bit sad and a bit nervous when only moments ago he'd been smiling brighter than ever single star at night. 

 

That's the only thing Kyungsoo should ever be doing; smiling. And Jongin just really wants to be the one to make him smile more but he's got a long way to go, still has some growing up to do and has to learn to focus on the really important things in life.

 

„Kyungsoo?“

 

Kyungsoo looks up at him, uncertainty written all over his face. „Yeah?“

 

"I don't think you realize how much I like you..." Jongin mumbles, nudging Kyungsoo's cheek with the tip of his nose. 

 

Kyungsoo huffs out a breath but he snuggles closer, still so incredibly cautious, like Jongin might push him away after everything. "I just... I'm trying to wrap my mind around it, okay?" Kyungsoo says quietly, shrugging his shoulders. He looks so small and vulnerable even though he's nothing but. "This all is a bit overwhelming to me..." 

 

Jongin nods then, tipping Kyungsoo's head up with a tap to his chin. "I know... Kyungsoo, if I'm moving too fast you need to tell me, okay? I really don't want to make you feel uncomfortable.."

 

Well, at least not more than he has in the past...

 

"You're not making me feel uncomfortable." Kyungsoo is quick to assure him. "You couldn't." 

 

"Still... I'm a bit... dense sometimes. Please don't be quiet about it if something ever bothers you." Jongin looks at him, hoping that Kyungsoo realizes how serious he is. 

 

Kyungsoo nods. "Alright. I'll talk to you if something's wrong."

 

"Good." Jongin grins then, leaning in to press a kiss to Kyungsoo's soft cheek just to have him push Jongin back by his chest, face flaming red as he grumbles something under his breath. Jongin laughs and Kyungsoo glares at him.

 

"I'm glad you find me amusing." Kyungsoo mumbles, shoulders hunching up like he's trying to hide. 

 

"I'm not laughing at you.." Jongin grins. "I find you incredibly cute, do you know that?" 

 

Kyungsoo furrows his eyebrows and tries to back away but Jongin quickly pulls him closer. "I'm sorry! I'm going to shut up!" 

 

"Good." Kyungsoo still frowns at him and they look at each other silently for a moment before both of them start grinning like idiots. 

 

"I uhm... wanted to ask you something." Jongin says after a moment. 

 

"What?" Kyungsoo eyes him warily and Jongin really doesn't blame him but it hurts his feeling that Kyungsoo seems to think Jongin's going to ruin this whenever he opens his mouth. 

 

"I was just thinking.. about telling my mom?" Jongin feels like throwing up for a moment because the truth is, all of this is scaring the shit out of him. 

 

It's almost like the feeling before you get on a rollercoaster, like you're excited but at the same time terrified that something might go wrong.

 

Kyungsoo's eyes widen a little after taking his words in. "W-what? About... this?" 

 

Jongin gulps, nods and shrugs his shoulders. "I mean... I kind of think she might not even be all that surprised." 

 

"How.. Jongin, how wouldn't she be surprised? You've been dating girls all this time and then me out of everyone too..." Kyungsoo starts chewing at his lip, makes himself smaller once again and it makes Jongin sigh deeply. 

 

"What's wrong with you?" Jongin mumbles. "You're better than everyone in this town..." 

 

"Jongin..."

 

"Okay look... I used to hide in my room whenever you came over with your mom, refused to even come say hello because I was so scared of you." 

 

Kyungsoo looks amused for a moment. "Why would you be scared of me?" 

 

Jongin shrugs. "Well... not of you, but rather about how you made me feel. And my mom used to give me this weird look, like she knew something I didn't. At least not yet. But now I know. Obviously- I mean... since you're here and I-" Jongin feels a little out of breath and he's rambling when Kyungsoo reaches a cautious hand out to place it on his heaving chest. "Uhm..."

 

"Calm down." Kyungsoo mumbles, giving him a worried look. "I'm not against it... if you want to tell her, okay? I don't... I don't want you to regret it. Not everyone's going to react.. in a good way to it." 

 

Jongin takes a few deep breaths before he opens his mouth again. "I know that. But my mom will understand... She loves you, so it's only normal if I do too-" The words slip out before he can stop them and his heart stops beating for a moment. He really hopes Kyungsoo didn't notice his slip. 

 

But he probably did, because he turns his eyes away with a blush dusting his cute cheeks and Jongin can feel his heart beating everywhere in his body.

 

Jongin clears his throat. Why the fuck is he such a idiot? 

 

But Kyungsoo looks up at him, stares at him judgingly for a moment and Jongin is about to cry about his stupidity but then Kyungsoo breaks into a grin and then he's laughing. 

 

"Stop.." Jongin whines and he's probably pouting a little too but it's worth it, really, when Kyungsoo surprisingly reaches his hand out to brush his fingers over Jongin's furrowed eyebrows to smooth them out, still laughing weakly. 

 

"It's okay." Kyungsoo mumbles, laughter ebbing away and then he's just smiling at Jongin, eyes full of fondness and... happiness. And Jongin feels more than just proud, knowing that he's the one who's causing it. 

 

He leans in without really thinking about it, like a magnet pulling him towards the boy when he saw that cute smile and the happy eyes and his heart it thumping wildly in his chest. Actually, he's happy to know that he's not made out of stone after all, that something, or rather someone, can make him feel like this because none of those girls before could but Kyungsoo can. He really, really can. 

 

Kyungsoo seems taken aback for a moment but he relaxes quickly against him, comes easily when Jongin pulls him closer by the waist. He climbs into Jongin’s lap with such careful movements that it makes Jongin feel warm all over. Jongin kisses him deeper, swipes his tongue over the seam of his lips to feel him shudder against him just the way he did yesterday. He doesn’t want to pull away because kissing Kyungsoo might just be his new favorite thing to do. Because Kyungsoo feels so soft and yet so hot, makes the best noises and presses closer in a way that makes Jongin hold him tighter and never want to let go again.

 

When they pull away Kyungsoo looks perfectly flushed again but Jongin thinks he doesn't look all that better. He smiles and Kyungsoo smiles back with his eyes crinkling cutely and everything's just.... alright.

 

And maybe Jongin’s not all that scared of Monday anymore.


	3. Three

To say that - after Kyungsoo had left on Saturday – that this Sunday had been the most nerve wrecking day of his entire life so far is not even slightly exaggerated.

 

While Kyungsoo was there on Saturday, their arms pressed together and fingers intertwined on Jongin’s lap seven episodes into Naruto, Jongin hadn’t felt scared in the slightest.

 

But as soon as Kyungsoo had left (after kissing Jongin’s cheek and then hurrying off without giving Jongin the chance to kiss him properly on the lips) the dopey smile on his face had left as soon as he’d stepped into his empty room.

 

He couldn’t sleep that night at all.

 

He could only think about the messages of his friends, of the anxiousness in Kyungsoo’s eyes because he thought he was being played. He could only think of what the hell he was supposed to do on Monday, which to be clear, is already today.

 

It’s Monday morning, his calculus class is about to start in six hours and Jongin hasn’t managed to get one minute of sleep.

 

And he just… he doesn’t know what to do.

 

He doesn’t know anything.. Well no, that’s not true.

 

He knows what he’s supposed to do.

 

But he doesn’t know if he’s ready to do it.

 

Jongin groans into his pillow, feels on the verge of a nervous breakdown and his head hurts, his heart hurts too, for Kyungsoo because he promised not to let him down and he doesn’t want to, it’s the last things he wants to do but one can’t stop being a coward from one day to another.

 

Jongin certainly can’t.

 

“Fuck…” He rubs his hand over his face tiredly. Why is he being like this?

 

Why can’t he be like one of those dudes from those movies? All heroic and not giving a fuck about anyone but that one person who actually matters.

 

He picks up his phone from his night stand, reads that it’s already five minutes past one in the morning but he’s about to lose his mind and he just.. he needs to talk to someone.

 

He writes a quick message, knows it’s useless. Kyungsoo isn’t the type to be up this late before school but he feels like he’s about to have a panic attack.

 

 

                                **\- are you there?**

 

He places the phone on his chest, knows he won’t get an answer until before school but he desperately wants to get one. He needs Kyungsoo to reply. Because he knows he’s going to fuck things up tomorrow…

 

His phone suddenly vibrates against his chest and he’s surprised to see that Kyungsoo actually wrote back.

 

** Kyungsoo: Yes. Why are you still awake? **

 

Jongin sighs and quickly types back, some of the tension already easing out of him.

 

 

 

                                      **\- i can’t sleep. you?**

 

 

** Kyungsoo: Me neither. **

 

** Kyungsoo: Are you okay? **

 

 

Jongin ponders on what to tell him. He doesn’t want Kyungsoo to worry even more about tomorrow but he feels like a piece of shit already, knowing that he might potentially chicken out tomorrow. He doesn’t want Kyungsoo to be disappointed if he doesn’t manage to stand up for them tomorrow.

 

 

 

                                           **-i don’t know**

 

** \- i’m nervous kyungsoo **

 

 

Kyungsoo is online and he has read Jongin’s text but it takes him a long time to reply which makes Jongin feel a little uneasy.

 

 

** Kyungsoo: Are you scared? **

 

 

 

                                 **\- i’m sorry**

 

 

His eyes start to sting. He’s already apologizing and Kyungsoo must know what he’s apologizing for and it makes him feel like the biggest jerk alive but he doesn’t know what to do. Doesn’t know how to make things right when he’s nothing but a coward..

 

 

 

** Kyungsoo: It’s okay. I understand.  **

 

** Kyungsoo: Let’s act like nothing happened tomorrow okay? **

 

** Kyungsoo: So don’t be scared. **

 

 

 

Jongin nearly feels his heart crack at Kyungsoo’s words. All he wants to do is run over to the boy’s house and hold him tight and apologize for being such a fuck up. Kyungsoo doesn’t deserve this.

 

Kyungsoo deserves to have his hand held tomorrow and for Jongin to stand up for him and tell everyone that he likes him.

 

 

 

                   **\- kyungsoo i’m sorry i don’t want to let you down.**

** please believe me…i’ll try but I don’t know if i can do it yet **

 

 

 

 

 

** Kyungsoo: It’s okay. Don’t worry. **

 

** Kyungsoo: I’ll see you tomorrow. **

 

 

 

                         **-i’m sorry kyungsoo**

 

 

 

** Kyungsoo: I know. **

 

 

 

Jongin throws his phone away but it lands on a pile of dirty clothes so there’s no clattering sound like he hoped for.

 

His heart is beating painfully in his chest and he doesn’t think he has hated himself as much as he hates himself right now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“You look like shit.” Sehun says when Jongin picks him up a few hours later.

 

It’s raining outside and it’s still too cold for April and since the heater in his car is broken, they’re both freezing all the way to school.

 

“Thanks.” Jongin mutters. His eyes hurt, his head hurts and he really, really wants to ditch school today.

 

“Hey” Sehun says when he realizes that something’s wrong. “Did you sleep at all?”

 

Jongin shakes his head.

 

“Okay. What’s wrong?”

 

“Nothing.”

 

Sehun sighs and repeats himself. “What’s wrong?”

 

Jongin is silent for a moment but it doesn’t last long, not when Sehun is staring holes into his face and his hands are shaking a little on the steering wheel from the lack of sleep. “I’m an asshole.”

 

“Duh.” Sehun snorts but he sighs once he sees the look on Jongin’s face. “Is this about Kyungsoo?”

 

Jongin gulps, then nods.

 

“What happened?” Sehun asks and his voice sounds serious and it’s only making things worse. Jongin doesn’t even feel ready to talk about Kyungsoo face to face with Sehun, that’s what he realizes right now as his hands start to feel cold from sweat. “Did you guys fuck or something?”

 

“Fuck!” Jongin slips with his foot and somehow he manages to shut the motor off after fucking something up with the gear. They’re on a deserted street since they always take a shortcut to the school so it’s not such a problem that he has his car practically parked in the middle of the street.

 

“Lol?” Sehun chuckles when Jongin turns to glare at him.

 

“Dude..” Jongin groans, leaning his head back tiredly.

 

“What?” Sehun asks irritatedly. “You always tell me everything when you screw a girl.”

 

Jongin turns to look at him. “Kyungsoo isn’t a girl.”

 

“Wow.” Sehun deadpans. “Thanks for enlightening me. Never realized he had a dick.”

 

“Sehun-“

 

“Why are you like this?” Sehun sighs. “Because he’s a dude? I already told you that I don’t care-“

 

“But I do!” Jongin interrupts him loudly. His voice breaks. “I fucking do…”

 

It’s silent for a moment and Jongin feels his heart beat everywhere, pounding in his head and it feels like he’s going to lose his mind over such a stupid thing…

 

“Jongin..” Sehun speaks, looking out of the window. “Are you ashamed of him? Do you not… I don’t know, is it because he has a dick? Are you not into that after all?”

 

“No.” Jongin groans. He knows Sehun’s trying to help but his questions irritate him. “I’m not ashamed of him at all. I like him… All of him. Uhm. Including his body parts. I think.”

 

And now he’s thinking about Kyungsoo’s dick and it makes something stir in his lower abdomen so he shakes his head to get rid of the thought, face flaming all of a sudden.

 

Sehun chuckles at that, facing him again. “So what’s the problem?”

 

“I just…” He shrugs weakly. “I don’t know how this is supposed to work.. I’m not ready to come out.”

 

“Did you tell him that?” Sehun asks. “I’m sure Kyungsoo would understand that you’re not ready yet. I mean… you only recently realized what your feelings for him mean, right?”

 

Jongin has known for a long time but he’s not going to tell that to anyone.

 

“He’s not- He’s not pushing me or anything… and I mean, we’re not together. I think.. but I just. I want to be able to talk to him at school, and just.. hold his hand. And stuff.”

 

“… and I ask again: What’s the problem?” Sehun asks.

 

“Are you serious? I can’t just walk in holding Kyungsoo’s hand all of a sudden!”

 

“Why not?”

 

“Because that’s the same as coming out!”

 

“But that’s good, isn’t it?” Sehun asks and he looks genuinely confused now.

 

“Not everyone’s as accepting as you are.” Jongin says. “Just think about Chanyeol and the other guys…”

 

“So what? Seriously Jongin, get a fucking grip. No one will give a fuck about us or them once we’re out of High School anyways.” Sehun says yawning a little too. “Look man. What’s more important here? To keep your stupid reputation up just for the sake of brainless assholes like Chanyeol or give yourself and Kyungsoo a shot, seeing as you’ve been lusting after him ever since he moved here?” Sehun stares at him intensely and Jongin can’t even look back, too ashamed of himself. “Like, is your position in the soccer really worth more than your or Kyungsoo’s feelings? Because I know you. And you’ll regret it like hell if you don’t grow some balls right now.”

 

“What the fuck did you eat this morning?” Jongin grumbles once he has let the words sink in. “I’ve never heard you talk like that…”

 

Sehun laughs. “I had a really nice dream about Joohyun’s boobs, must’ve inspired me somehow.”

 

Jongin gives him an incredulous look before they both start laughing. “You’re an idiot.”

 

“Right back at you.” Sehun snorts. “Let’s go, we’re going to be late.”

 

Jongin looks hesitant, even though he feels a lot better after Sehun’s words.

 

“Hey… jokes aside. I’ve got your back. I’m not going to just stand there and watch them treat Kyungsoo like that, and if you want to stand up for him, that’s a great start. And I’ll help you. Baby steps, okay?”

 

“Thank you.” Jongin mumbles and his heart feels heavy because sometimes he forgets why Sehun is his best friend.

 

“Don’t start crying, I swear.” Sehun mutters as he turns his gaze away.

 

Jongin just smiles and turns the engine back on.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When he walks into their school a few minutes later, his eyes are looking everywhere, trying to catch a glimpse of Kyungsoo but to no avail.

 

Normally Kyungsoo would be standing by his locker, arranging his books for the day but the boy isn’t there today and it’s unsettling because Jongin is nervous as it is and not seeing Kyungsoo just adds to it.

 

Sehun seems to sense his distress and he guides Jongin through the crowded corridors to their class room. “He’s probably already inside. Stop worrying.”

 

And Sehun’s right because as soon as Jongin steps inside the class room his eyes dart over to where Kyungsoo usually sits, finding that the boy is in fact there, eyes cast down as he writes something inside his notebook.

 

Jongin feels some of the tightness in his chest give away and it takes every ounce of self-restraint for him to not go over to him and kiss his lips.

 

“There he is.” Sehun whispers into his ear, grinning when he sees how Jongin is looking at Kyungsoo.

 

“He’s so… cute.“ Jongin mumbles, more to himself but Sehun hears it and chuckles quietly.

 

“Dude, you’re so smitten.”

 

And then Kyungsoo looks up, his eyes landing on Jongin’s form and widening slightly.

 

Jongin doesn’t know what to do, he can’t wave or anything since it would draw too much attention but he doesn’t want to ignore him either so he settles for a smile. It’s quick but Kyungsoo sees it and there’s something like relief washing over his features when he smiles back briefly. Kyungsoo’s eyes then dart over to Sehun and he quickly looks back down into his notebook.

 

“Well. Glad he’s not scared of me anymore.” Sehun sighs after seeing his reaction. Jongin follows him into the back of the class room, tries to keep his eyes to himself but it’s not that easy. All he wants to do is go and sit down beside Kyungsoo so it’s really unnerving when Luhan walks in, greeting Kyungsoo with a wave before he sits down beside the boy. They start chattering together and Jongin thinks he even hears Kyungsoo laugh and it makes him feel even worse.

 

He wants to do that.

 

Wants to make him laugh wherever, even at school.

 

Especially at school.

 

“Calm your tits.” Sehun mutters next to him. “Luhan’s only got eyes for Minseok.”

 

Jongin turns to face him. “They’re not gay.”

 

“I heard they made out this weekend at his cousin’s party.”

 

“Are you serious?”

 

Sehun nods. “Maybe they were just drunk but.. you know. They say your drunk actions show your real face. Or in your case, weed works too.”

 

Jongin grunts and tries to push him away and Sehun only chuckles.

 

He spends the entire class trying to tear his eyes away from Kyungsoo’s profile and also not to kick Sehun in the balls since he’s grinning at him the entire time.

 

 

 

 

 

Things already start to go downhill once lunch time rolls around.

 

He just finished his English class, is walking down the corridors with Sehun to their lockers to put away their heavy English books when he sees it.

 

“Here we go.” Sehun mutters beside him upon seeing it too.

 

There’s Chanyeol, and there’s Baekhyun, there’s Jongdae too together with two other guys from their soccer team. They’re standing in a half circle around Kyungsoo’s locker and even though Jongin can’t see the boy he knows he has to be there because the locker door is opened.

 

He tenses up immediately, an ugly feeling spreading through his chest when he thinks about all the things they keep on saying to Kyungsoo all the time, what they’re probably doing to him right now even though Jongin is too far away to hear what they’re laughing about all of a sudden.

 

He wants to punch every single one of them, friends or not, but he stays rooted to his spot.

 

“Let’s go.” Sehun says suddenly and Jongin’s hand shoots out before he can stop himself.

 

“Wait-“

 

“For what?” Sehun gives him an incredulous look. “Dude, they’re all up his ass again!”

 

“I know!” Jongin says. “I just…”

 

“Fuck, don’t tell me you’re just going to watch.” Sehun spits then and Jongin opens his mouth to say something but Sehun has already turned around, is walking towards their group of friends.

 

Jongin watches numbly how Sehun pushes Jongdae out of the way, revealing Kyungsoo who’s leaning against his locker with his books in his arms. He doesn’t look scared, just slightly worried and… tired.

 

And Jongin just. Fucking. Watches.

 

Like he always has.

 

He seriously thought something would change because his feeling have changed for Kyungsoo but he still feels the same, still feels like he’s being torn apart by the need to help the boy and by the urge to look away because that’s what he’s always done.

 

Looking away, acting like he didn’t see anything.

 

But this time he can’t really fool anyone, especially not Kyungsoo, because the boy looks up even though Chanyeol keeps on talking down on him and their eyes meet and it’s probably the worst moment of his entire life.

 

The way Kyungsoo’s face falls, just a fraction, but enough to tear at Jongin’s heart, seeing the realization in Kyungsoo’s eyes. Like he knew from the start that Jongin would abandon him but like every other normal person, he probably still had hope.

 

And Jongin has just crushed it.

 

Chanyeol then decides to shove Kyungsoo once, making the latter sway a little.

 

Jongin’s throat closes up and his hands are trembling when he sees it. Kyungsoo flinches from the contact and he isn’t looking at him anymore, instead lifts his face to look at Chanyeol who snickers at him.

 

The boys around them start laughing too.

 

Chanyeol says something again but this time Kyungsoo doesn’t look up, doesn’t react and this time Chanyeol shoves him harder, so hard his books fall to the ground.

 

Sehun doesn’t do anything, he looks over his shoulder to see if Jongin’s still there and once he sees him he just shakes his head at him.

 

Chanyeol shoves Kyungsoo again and this time Kyungsoo’s glasses almost fall from his nose and the others just… they all just laugh.

 

Jongin feels his eyes start to sting once he sees the look on Kyungsoo’s face. The humiliation.

 

Something happens then, when Jongdae suddenly snatches Kyungsoo’s glasses away. Chanyeol puts a foot behind Kyungsoo’s when the latter is distracted, clasping his hand around Kyungsoo’s arm to pull him back and make him trip and Jongin isn’t dumb, he knows what’s going to happen and he hasn’t ever felt like this before. 

 

They’re going to hurt Kyungsoo.

 

They’ve never done this before apart from tripping the boy from time to time. He doesn’t understand why they’re doing it, now of all times too, but he sure as hell isn’t going to watch Kyungsoo getting hurt.

 

His feet are moving on their own, a strange buzz in his head that’s louder than the laughter among his so called friends. His hands are shaking and his heart is pounding and he’s-

 

He’s standing in front of Kyungsoo the next second, staring back at Chanyeol who’s looking at him like he’s lost his mind.

 

“Stop.” He says, feels everyone’s eyes on him and Kyungsoo behind him but he hates it, hates how Kyungsoo takes a step away from him like he doesn’t feel safe. “Give him his glasses back.” He says next, directing his eyes at Jongdae who gives him an unimpressed look.

 

“What the hell are you on about?” Jongdae wants to know. “Still high on those brownies?”

 

“Give him his fucking glasses back!” Jongin says, louder this time, which surprises everyone. 

 

"Calm down, jesus..." Jongdae mumbles, takes a step back but doesn't make a move to let go of the glasses.

 

“Wait…” Baekhyun speaks up. “I’m confused… what’s going on?”

 

“Yeah, what the fuck are you doing?” Chanyeol asks Jongin, his eyes flickering over to Kyungsoo. Jongin instinctively takes a step to the side so Chanyeol can’t look at Kyungsoo and this confuses the taller boy even more. “Wait…” Chanyeol’s eyes widen. “Is this about last week? What did you and that faggot do after he took you home?”

 

Jongin’s shoulders are shaking. “Call him faggot one more time, Chanyeol, I swear I’m going to rip your balls off.”

 

Some people gasp around them and Jongin is so fed up with this. He should’ve done this a long time ago because damn, it feels good to put his asshole friends in their place.

 

“Dude…” Jongdae mumbles, clearly irritated. “What’s wrong with you?”

 

“No, what the fuck is wrong with all of you?!” Jongin asks. “Why the hell won’t you leave him alone? He has never done anything to any of you!”

 

“... He’s gay.” Someone pipes up.

 

There's an eerie silence after that, everyone's staring at Jongin and his skin feels too hot, too tight. His heart is pounding heavily and he feels like he can't breathe, like everyone around him is trying to suffocate him with their judging thoughts.

 

Is this what Kyungsoo has felt like all this time?

 

“Okay seriously, what’s your problem?” Baekhyun asks, frowning at Jongin. “Have we done something wrong?”

 

“Baek” Jongin groans. “Do you not understand that this isn’t okay? You’re bullying him! That’s never okay!”

 

“You never had a problem with it before.” Baekhyun shrugs but he’s starting to look uneasy.

 

Jongin gulps. “I had.” He says. “I’ve always had a problem with it.”

 

“I don’t get it.” Jongdae mutters. “Did he turn you gay or what?”

 

Jongin just wants to go home. He can’t handle this. It’s like talking to a wall.

 

He almost forgot about Kyungsoo, who’s standing behind him quietly. He feels someone grasp the back of his shirt and then Kyungsoo’s front is nearly touching his back and he feels warmth radiating from the smaller boy. It’s comforting despite the situation, all the eyes on him, already judging before he’s even said something.

 

Chanyeol sees it and Jongin sees it too, the moment something clicks, when Chanyeol’s eyes widen for a moment as he stares at Kyungsoo who’s pressing himself into Jongin from behind. A set of emotions flicker across his face before his eyes closes off and he turns his head to give Jongin a look that makes him flinch. “You’re gay?” He utters, so confused, like it's something that his mind can't grasp. „You’re taking it up the ass now?“

 

“Dude-“ Sehun starts but Chanyeol cuts him off.

 

“The fuck man?!” Chanyeol almost shouts into Jongin’s face when Jongin doesn’t answer which the other takes as a confirmation for his words.

 

“What?” Jongin grunts, pushing Chanyeol away. „Fucking asshole!“ 

 

“You can’t just turn gay because that fag sucked you off, what the hell is wrong with you-“

 

Jongin has his fist already balled, about to swing it into Chanyeol’s face when Kyungsoo curls his fingers around it, tugging it back down before it can really raise at all.

 

“No.” Kyungsoo mumbles against his back. “Stop.. " Jongin shudders, his fist shaking in Kyungsoo's hold and he's so torn between wanting to pull Kyungsoo closer to calm down and run away from all of this. 

 

Chanyeol sees that too and he shakes his head, a nervous chuckle leaving his lips. “I can’t believe this. This… fuck, this has to be a fucking joke.”

 

"You're the only joke here." Sehun mumbles under his breath.

 

“Jongin… dude.” Chanyeol says next, calmer now. “I’m serious right now… are you gay? Are you… with him?”

 

It’s really silent all of a sudden and Jongin feels his heart trying to beat out of his chest, feels Kyungsoo’s fingers curl around his own tighter and everyone's just staring at him like he has lost his mind.

 

He doesn't speak, just holds Chanyeol's gaze silently but it's enough to confirm his words because he doesn't even attempt to deny it. Can't deny it when he feels Kyungsoo press closer against his back like he's scared of being pushed away. 

 

Jongin won't do that, couldn't after everything, and he presses back to make him understand that he's not going anywhere, that he's standing with him in this. 

 

That he is with him.

 

Everyone looks shell shocked, some angry, disgusted. Chanyeol looks like Jongin has slapped him.

 

It’s only Sehun and Taemin who look at him the same, proud. Sehun smiles, Taemin nods and Jongin blinks because his eyes are burning all of a sudden.

 

He never knew being judged was so incredibly bad and it only makes him feel worse because it’s what Kyungsoo has been going through all this time. 

 

"You..." Chanyeol says but his voice is shaking and Jongin almost can't believe how much... disgust is laced within the tone. 

 

Chanyeol has never sounded like that, not even with Kyungsoo and it feels like a punch to his gut, having it directed at himself. 

 

"You can't be on the team anymore."Chanyeol says, face void of any emotions at this point. He's staring Jongin down. Baekhyun and even Jongdae turn their heads to give Chanyeol a worried, shocked look but Chanyeol doesn't seem to care. 

 

"Chanyeol..." Baekhyun starts but Chanyeol cuts him off.

 

"No, he's out and that's final. If that fag managed to turn him gay, who's saying he won't do the same to us?"

 

"Listen here you stupid fuck-" Sehun growls, walking towards Chanyeol like he's on a mission but Jongin reaches out to hold him back. 

 

No one says anything so Jongin just leaves. He pushes some guys from his soccer team aside and just walks away from it all, head buzzing with thoughts of 

 

_ this is it. they know. my life’s fucking over. _

 

 

 

 

 

He's not sure why he came here out of all places. He doesn't usually visit the library all that often but he knows where to go to hide from anything that's happening at school, it's somewhere he's seen Kyungsoo hang around a lot before. 

 

At the very back, somewhere in the islamic history section - where the really old books are kept - the light doesn't work, and there's a pillow on the ground in between two rows of books. If one wouldn't look down that specific row, they probably wouldn't see anyone sitting there. Not that anyone comes back here anyways. 

 

It's empty, like he expected and it's lunch time too so not many students are at the library. 

 

The pillow there makes him smile despite the heavy pounding of his heart and the raging thoughts making his head feel like exploding. He's pretty sure the old woman (he doesn't even know her name..) who works at the reception gave the pillow to Kyungsoo once she noticed that the boy spends most of his lunches hidden away at that spot. 

 

He slides down to the ground, pushing his back pack away from himself with a heavy sigh to press his palms against his eyes. He can't really believe what just happened and even if it feels like something has been lifted from his shoulders, he seriously hadn't expected any of this to happen so soon. 

 

He wasn't prepared and maybe... well, still hoped his friends wouldn't react the way they did. 

 

And he also doesn't know if they reacted like this especially because they're his friends. He can't really think about the rest of the school, he knows the people here, knows how little time it takes for news to spread and he also knows that by the end of the day, everyone will know about it.

 

About him not denying being gay.

 

About Kyungsoo...

 

But here he is, not really sure if he wants to cry or go punch Chanyeol in the face for being such an ignorant twat.

 

He sits there for what feels like hours, trying to collect his thought, trying to get a grip, trying to prepare himself mentally for everything that is about to happen.

 

He looks up when he sees a shadow that stands still between the bookshelves, where Jongin is sitting. He's expecting to find Sehun or maybe Taemin who went after him to check up on him but he wants to punch himself when he sees Kyungsoo standing there because he basically forgot about the boy.

 

Left him there with those assholes. 

 

And he hates how Kyungsoo looks, how he's holding on way too tightly to the strap of his backpack and how lost he seems to be.

 

"Kyungsoo.." He says, not really knowing what else there is to say right now. Kyungsoo gulps, shoulders hunching up even more at the sound of Jongin's voice. He never looks this scared, not even when the soccer team is ganging up on him but right now, Jongin might as well have threatened him with his life. "Come here." 

 

Kyungsoo steps closer then and his backpack slides down from his shoulder once he’s standing beside Jongin, about to sit down. Jongin grabs it and places it next to his own so it won’t be separating him from the boy. Kyungsoo sits down next to him and he does all of that so quietly it hurts Jongin to watch despite the messy state his own mind is in right now. 

 

„Your pillow…“ Jongin starts, lifting himself up a little to give it to Kyungsoo to sit on but Kyungsoo shakes his head at him.

 

„You can have it.“ He mumbles but Jongin doesn’t want to sit on it if Kyungsoo has to sit on the cold floor so he settles for placing it on both of their laps. 

 

It’s quiet for a moment and it’s silent in the library otherwise too and Jongin thinks he can hear his heart beating loudly, that maybe Kyungsoo can hear it too which is stupid, of course he can’t. 

 

„Are you okay?“ Kyungsoo asks. He’s not looking at Jongin, instead staring down to where he has his fingers interlocked tightly, his thumbs fiddling with the other. 

 

Jongin feels the urge to reach over and hold them in his own but he doesn’t. Not for now, at least. 

 

„I don’t know.“ Jongin says truthfully. He leans his head back and stares at the ceiling for a moment. „I guess I didn’t expect it to feel like this.“ 

 

Kyungsoo looks up now but his eyes are still guarded, not as open and warm as they were on Saturday when he brought Jongin those cute rice cakes… „Like what?“

 

„When they… you know. When the understood what’s going on, I could feel the heaviness of their thoughts. The judgement on their faces. And just… how they were suddenly not by my side anymore, like, not literally but you know… It sucks.“ He shrugs a little and his eyebrows scrunch up, his eyes stinging once again. 

 

„I’m sorry.“ Kyungsoo mumbles, shifting beside him. „I can…“ He clears his throat and when Jongin glances at him, he sees how heavily he gulps before he speaks again. „I can tell them that it’s not true. That you did it to protect me… because your mom told you to do so. They- they would believe it, I’m sure..“ 

 

„But that’s not what I want.“ Jongin says, staring at Kyungsoo, waiting for him to look into his eyes. „Sure I didn’t… expect all of this to happen so fast but I mean. What’s done is done. And I’m kind of relieved that they know now. I never wanted to hide you Kyungsoo… I hope you know that.“ 

 

Kyungsoo nods, looks up slowly. „I know. I’m still sorry. You shouldn’t have been forced into this.. No one should have to. I can’t help but feel like it’s my fault. I didn’t want the same to happen to you that happened to me. You really… I care a lot about you. I really do. I never wanted anything bad for you Jongin, please just- just know that.“ 

 

Jongin’s chest feels a little too tight at Kyungsoo’s words and he’s suddenly tearing up because Kyungsoo seems to care so much about him when Jongin doesn’t deserve it. 

 

„Jongin-“ Kyungsoo utters when he sees the tears in his eyes, his hands darting out to his face but holding back before he can touch his skin.

 

And Jongin holds one of those hands then, brings it up to his face to cradle his cheek with it and he sighs, tired of everything that’s going on and that’s awaiting him as soon as he steps out of the library. „I don’t get what you see in me.“ 

 

„I should ask you that.“ Kyungsoo says and he brushes his thumb over Jongin’s cheek softly and Jongin smiles to himself, liking how Kyungsoo feels brave enough to do it. 

 

He looks up into Kyungsoo’s eyes and brings his own hand up to cradle the boy’s face and Kyungsoo immediately flushes and Jongin smiles, heart swelling in his chest when he leans in to kiss his cheek, closing his eyes while he does it to tell himself that Sehun’s right, that this right here is worth way more than the opinions of a few people who won’t matter anymore once they graduate. 

 

When he pulls back Kyungsoo clears his throat and says „Thank you.“

 

„For what?“

 

„For… not letting me down.“ Kyungsoo mumbles and Jongin wants to cry because it breaks his heart but instead he leans in and presses his face into the crook of Kyungsoo’s neck for a while and Kyungsoo, albeit hesitatingly, brings his hand up to run it through Jongin’s hair. It’s soothing and it calms his heart.

 

And it’s nice, not having to be so strong for once because he knows Kyungsoo won’t judge him, knows it for sure when Kyungsoo holds him close like this.

 

„You know it’s going to be okay, right?“ Kyungsoo says and Jongin hugs him a little closer. „You have Sehun and Taemin… and even Luhan and Minseok. They have your back no matter what.“ 

 

Jongin pulls back a little, squinting his eyes at Kyungsoo. „And you. I have you too, most of all.“ 

 

Kyungsoo shrugs, a smile tugging at the corner of his lips. „If you want.“ 

 

„You know I do.“ 

 

He leans in and brushes his nose along Kyungsoo's jaw, his soft cheek. "Kyungsoo. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not stepping in earlier."

 

Kyungsoo shakes his head."You need to stop apologizing. It's okay... You didn't- you didn't leave me alone. That's more than I could've ever asked for."

 

"I'm never going to leave you alone again. I'm not going to watch them do this to you anymore. I promise." 

 

"I know." Kyungsoo mumbles. "I know." 

 

He suddenly notices the lack of glasses in Kyungsoo’s face and his mood drops again immediately. „Kyungsoo, where are your glasses?“

 

Kyungsoo must feel the same because his entire posture changes again, he turns into the Kyungsoo that gets harassed in the hallways, any trace of the one who held Jongin mere seconds earlier gone. „It’s okay..“ He says.

 

„No it’s not. Do they still have it?“ Jongin wants to know. „Does Jongdae still have it?“ 

 

„Jongin… it’s really fine. They’ll give it back later.“ Kyungsoo tries but Jongin shakes his head, already standing up and reaching his hand out to help Kyungsoo do the same. 

 

„They’ll give it back right now.“ He says, helping Kyungsoo to his feet before he picks their backpacks up. 

 

„Don’t you think you had enough today already?“ Kyungsoo mumbles quietly as he follows Jongin out of the section they were sitting in. 

 

„But this isn’t about me.“ Jongin says. He contemplates holding Kyungsoo’s hand but he has to admit that it probably wouldn’t be for the best right now and he’s not all that sure if Kyungsoo would feel comfortable with it since it would draw in everyone’s attention, if that hasn’t already happened after that scene in the hallways. 

 

The hallways are practically empty since most of the students have either gone home to eat or are sitting in the cafeteria for lunch. 

 

„Uhm.. do you. Should I stay back?“ Kyungsoo asks from behind him and Jongin stops walking, turns around to shake his head. 

 

„No. Kyungsoo… I would hold your hand right now, I really, really want to.“ He says and then steps closer to take Kyungsoo’s hand in his. 

 

„You don’t have to.“ Kyungsoo shakes his head but he’s already flushing again and Jongin smiles at him fondly despite the situation. 

 

„I want you by my side, if that’s okay.“ He says. 

 

Kyungsoo stares at him for a moment before he nods. Jongin squeezes his hand one last time before he lets go as they enter the cafeteria. 

 

And it’s not like in the movies.

 

The loud chattering voices from everywhere don’t just suddenly stop. 

 

Not every head turns in their direction. 

 

Words travel fast, but not that fast.

 

Sure, there are one or two students looking at them with wide eyes but the majority is just too busy cramming or eating their food to give a fuck about them. 

 

Jongin spots Jongdae on the usual table where the soccer team sits on, except for the fact that there are way less people present right now. 

 

It’s just Jongdae, Baekhyun and some other guys from the soccer team. 

 

Chanyeol is nowhere in sight.

 

His eyes search further and he sees Sehun at another table together with Junmyeon and Taemin. His best friend immediately spots his and looks as he’s about to stand up, face laced with concern but Jongin just shakes his head at him, hoping that it’s reassurance enough for the moment. 

 

He walks to the table he would usually sit on, together with everyone else, from where he could see Kyungsoo either sitting alone in the corner or with Luhan. He turns around at the thought, to make sure Kyungsoo is following him. The boy has his head down but he looks up when he feels Jongin’s gaze on him. Jongin gives him a small smile and Kyungsoo tries to smile back but he looks anxious and Jongin just really wants to wrap him up in his arms. 

 

But that’ll have to wait. 

 

Jongdae is the first on to spot him and he puts his fork down upon seeing Kyungsoo down. Jongin gives him a challenging look, like he’s daring him to do something, because that’s what Jongin expects to happen. 

 

Instead Jongdae reaches his hand out to tap Baekhyun’s arm, who’s sitting with his back to Jongin, and then nods his head to where Jongin is standing with Kyungsoo. 

 

Baekhyun turns around, a confused look on his face, and he starts gaping once he sees them. „Jongin-“ He starts but then closes his mouth, obviously not knowing what to say. 

 

„I’m just here to get Kyungsoo’s glasses back.“ Jongin says calmly. His chest hurts a little, because those guys have been his friends since second grade and they’ve been through so much together and no matter how close minded they are, they’ve made great memories together and they have always been good friends to Jongin.

 

It feels suffocating, knowing that all of that is supposed to be over now. 

 

Baekhyun’s eyes flicker over to Kyungsoo and from the corner of his eye, Jongin notices how Kyungsoo tries to make himself smaller. He readies himself for the snarky remark directed at Kyungsoo but nothing comes. Baekhyun just motions Jongdae to give him something and Jongdae retreats Kyungsoo’s glasses from his backpack a moment later.

 

„Here you go.“ Baekhyun says as he hands him the glasses.

 

Jongin is a little taken aback. He stares at the glasses for a moment, looking for damage but there’s nothing. He turns around and carefully places the glasses back on Kyungsoo’s face, fixing it securely behind his ears. 

 

Kyungsoo blushes and stares down at his feet and Jongin feels his heart do a little jump, a smile tugging at the corners of his lips. He nearly forgets where they are, all he can think about is how much he wants to cup Kyungsoo’s face and kiss him until the tips of his ears have turned red. 

 

„Jongin.“ Baekhyun speaks up, which pulls him from his thoughts. He turns around and sees the blush on Jongdae’s face and the nervous look on Baekhyun’s, probably since they just saw the little moment between him and Kyungsoo. 

 

„What?“ He asks. 

 

Bekhyun sighs. „I don’t know.. I don’t know how to say this without sounding like a hypocrite.“ He brings a hand up to run it through his hair. „Look. Uhm.. about before. I’m sorry for the way Chanyeol reacted.“ 

 

„What?“ Jongin asks again, disbelief apparent on his face. 

 

„If you really are with Kyungsoo, that’s okay with me.“ Baekhyun says. 

 

It’s silent for a moment and Jongin just tries to make sense of his words. „You know, I thought we were friends but you’re even more of an asshole than everyone said.“ Jongin scoffs, thinking that Baekhyun’s about to turn everything into a joke again. 

 

But Baekhyun quickly shakes his head. „No, Jongin I promise I’m being serious… I never, you know, I never had something against Kyungsoo. It’s just, you know how it is, everyone was doing it and I thought it was funny. It’s none of my business what gender he prefers. Or you, for that matter.“ 

 

Jongin doesn’t really know what to say. He didn’t expect this. He expected to be pushed away. His eyebrows scrunch up in confusion and he looks to Jongdae, who’s just been quietly listening to them until now. „What.. what about you?“

 

Jongdae clears his throat, shrugging his shoulders. „You’re still Jongin. I don’t really care who you are with… I was just really fucking shocked, still am to be honest but I mean. We’ve been through a lot of shit together, and I don’t want to lose our friendship over this.“ 

 

Baekhyun stands up then, one of his warm smiles on his face, the real one, not the one he wears around to intimidate people.

 

One that he only has for people that matter to him. 

 

He’s hugging him the next second and Jongin can’t quite remember the last time Baekhyun has hugged him. 

 

„Baek…“ He starts and Baekhyun holds him a little tighter before he steps back again. 

 

„You’re still in the team.“ Baekhyun clarifies. „It’s not Chanyeol’s place to decide and coach won’t throw you out for liking boys.“ 

 

His face feels a little hot when he hears Baekhyun say it like that. 

 

„Chanyeol hates me.“ Jongin says then. „I don’t think it’s a good idea for me to stay in the team..“

 

„You know how religious his family is.“ Baekhyun mumbles. „He’s been raised to believe that homosexuality and all of that is a sin.“ 

 

„Not that it’s a justification but just..“ Baekhyun shrugs. „Give him some time. It’ll probably be awkward and stuff.. but I doubt he’d ever do something to hurt you.“ 

 

Jongin smiles a little bitterly at that. 

 

He just knows, and everyone else does too, that his friendship with Chanyeol is over. 

 

And he shouldn’t care, because he should be glad not to have someone in his life who can’t accept him for who he is. 

 

But then he remembers all those times he pranked Sehun together with Chanyeol, the times they landed at the principle’s office for doing something stupid, remembers him breaking a leg when all of them were trying to climb over a fence and Chanyeol carrying all the way to the hospital on his back. 

 

Chanyeol might be an asshole but at the same time, he’s always been a great friend and he just.. he wishes things were different. 

 

„Uhm..“ Baekhyun speaks up again. „Kyungsoo?“

 

Kyungsoo flinches upon hearing his name and he looks like he wants to hide behind Jongin so Jongin quickly brushes his hand over his wrist to reassure him that it’s okay, that he’s here if someone decides to badmouth him again. 

 

„Yeah?“ Kyungsoo asks, voice small and barely louder than a whisper in the otherwise loud cafeteria. 

 

„I know this won’t make up for all the stupid shit we did or said to you. And I’m not just saying this because you’re.. you know, with Jongin now.“ Baekhyun clears his throat, clearly uncomfortable. „I just, like I said, I did all of those things because everyone else did it. Which doesn’t mean it’s not my fault… But you know, I really am sorry for all of that. I don’t expect you to forgive me but just, please know that I do have respect for you and I will treat you accordingly from now on.“

 

Jongin glances over to Kyungsoo who just stares at Baekhyun with wide eyes. He nods in understanding and doesn’t say anything else otherwise. 

 

Baekhyun looks a little disappointed, like he may have hoped for Kyungsoo to say that he forgives him but he nods too and gives Kyungsoo a small smile. 

 

„So.. see you later at practice?“ Baekhyun asks Jongin. 

 

Jongin gives him a nod. „Okay.“

 

Baekhyun smiles a little, and it’s a bit sad, and Jongin feels a bit sad too even if everything turned out way better than he thought it would. „I’m sorry Jongin… It shouldn’t be like this. I still, I still love you, you know. You’re one of my best friends. I hope we’ll stay friends even when all of this is over in a few weeks…“

 

Jongin feels more than just overwhelmed at his words, especially when Baekhyun’s eyes look a little wet. „I love you too, Baek.“ 

 

And then Baekhyun laughs and pulls him into another hug which Jongin returns by wrapping his arms around Baekhyun’s small waist. „Fuck, when did I get so sappy?“ Baekhyun mumbles into his ear before he pulls back again. 

 

„You always were a sap you idiot.“ Jongin mumbles back and they smile at each other. Jongin remembers Kyungsoo, who’s standing a little awkwardly beside him and clears his throat. „See you later.“ 

 

Jongdae waves at them and Baekhyun gives Kyungsoo another smile and Jongin wonders why on earth everything turned out like this.

 

He turns to Kyungsoo who looks at him with a strange expression. Jongin gently grips his elbow. „Do you want to eat here or at the library?“ He asks quietly, thinking that it’s the reason for the nervous look on Kyungsoo’s face. 

 

„Won’t.. your friends mind?“ Kyungsoo asks. He looks like he wants to hide himself in Jongin’s chest and Jongin would be more than glad to let him do that but they’re in the middle of the cafeteria. 

 

„No don’t worry. Minseok and Luhan are there too. They’re your friends, right?“ 

 

„Not really..“ Kyungsoo mumbles to himself and Jongin smiles, brushes his thumb over the bend of Kyungsoo’s elbow. 

 

„You’re too cute.“ He whispers and Kyungsoo looks up, his pretty lips stretching into a small smile. „Come on.“ 

 

When they reach the table all of his friends look up at them. „Jongin!“ Sehun exclaims and shoots up to his feet. „Hey… are you guys okay?“ 

 

And Jongin, for the second time today, asks himself how he deserves a friend like Sehun because he doesn’t only ask if Jongin is okay, he asks if the both of them are. 

 

Jongin nods and lets Kyungsoo sit down first before he sits down beside him, on the other side of Taemin and Sehun since he thinks Kyungsoo will be more comfortable is he’s closer to Luhan and Minseok. 

 

Sehun frowns at him. „What did Baekhyun want?“ 

 

„Nothing.“ Jongin says. „He apologized.“ He states and then looks at Kyungsoo. „To Kyungsoo too.“ 

 

„He did?“ Sehun gapes and stares at Kyungsoo until the latter nods, albeit a little hesitatingly. 

 

Luhan speaks up then. „I heard what happened. I’m sorry Kyungsoo.“ Luhan says, smiling sadly at Kyungsoo. 

 

„It’s okay.“ Kyungsoo is quick to say, smiling back faintly.

 

Jongin knows it’s stupid, but Luhan is nice, he’s good looking and he’s always been nothing but kind to Kyungsoo.

 

It’s just scary how Kyungsoo deserves someone like Luhan. 

 

He finds Kyungsoo’s hand under the table and tangles their fingers together, squeezing their palms together. Kyungsoo’s eyes shoot up in alarm but Jongin only gives him a soft smile that has the other boy’s eyes lighting up. 

 

Taemin clears his throat and when Jongin turns to look at him he’s grinning at them. „So you guys are a thing now?“ 

 

They all stare at them again and Jongin feels Kyungsoo cling to his hand a little more. „I would hope so.“ He says then, turning his head to look at Kyungsoo who in return flushes all over and glares at him for putting him in the spotlight like this. 

 

His friends laugh and Jongin is hardly able to hold himself back from leaning and kiss Kyungsoo’s lips when the boy looks so cute with his flushed cheeks and the feeling of their palms pressed together where no one can see, like a promise that things will be okay. 

 

„Who would’ve thought.“ Minseok chuckles and Jongin looks up just in time to see Luhan give him a strange look and Minseok's cheeks turning a shade darker as he quickly looks the other way.

 

His eyes flicker up to Sehun and his best friend wiggles his eyebrows. Told you so. 

 

„Well I’m glad you got your shit together Jongin.“ Luhan says and Jongin shoots him a confused look. „Oh come on, don’t give me that.“

 

„… What?“ 

 

„Your crush on Kyungsoo was so obvious.“ Luhan rolls his eyes and Jongin feels his face heat up and Kyungsoo beside him shifts nervously. 

 

Sehun laughs. „He’s right, sorry man.“ 

 

„I didn’t know.“ Taemin shrugs. 

 

„I didn’t either.“ Kyungsoo suddenly pipes up and everyone turns to stare at him, including Jongin. 

 

He meets Jongin’s eyes and Jongin thinks he falls a little bit more with everything Kyungsoo does. 

 

„Well, obviously. Otherwise it wouldn’t have taken you idiots almost two years to man up.“ Sehun snorts and Kyungsoo hunches his shoulders up again and Jongin thinks he has never met someone so shy and fragile, not necessarily physically but emotionally.

 

But it’s not a bad thing. If anything it only makes Jongin want to hold him and never let him go again. It really just makes his heart beat out of control from how much he feels for Kyungsoo. 

 

He shoots Sehun a warning look, trying to get him to stop talking so harshly since it might be triggering for Kyungsoo after all the bullying he went through. Sehun seems to understand because he presses his lips together tightly. 

 

„You’re cute together.“ Taemin says through a mouthful. „You make a good pair.“ 

 

Jongin smiles and Kyungsoo smiles too, even if it’s hidden since he’s looking at the table top like it’s the most interesting thing in the world.

 

„Hey, if that idiot every does something stupid just tell me okay? I’ll whoop his ass for you.“ Luhan says, lifting an eyebrow when Jongin shoots him a glare. 

 

Kyungsoo clears his throat. „He’s not an idiot.“ 

 

It’s silent at their table for a moment and then it’s really loud, because Taemin groans and laughs, Minseok coos, Luhan just gapes like an idiot and Sehun’s making weird choking noises and Jongin is just staring at Kyungsoo like he’s the best thing in the world. 

 

And when he leans in to kiss one of those soft cheeks, sees how Kyungsoo’s eyelids flutter closed at the contact and how blood pools beneath the skin at the touch, he just really doesn’t care who sees it. 

 

Kyungsoo belongs to him and he wants everyone to know, wants everyone to know how proud he is to be with Kyungsoo. 

 

When he pulls back Kyungsoo is staring at him with wide eyes and they flicker down to Jongin’s lips and god, he wants to kiss him so much in that moment.

 

And Sehun looks like he’s about to cry while the others are just smiling and it’s all just kind of perfect.

 

 

 

 

 

At the end of the day, nothing more happened.

 

Some people stared at him a little more than usual, some talked because wether he likes it or not, words do spread and by tomorrow, the entire school will now.

 

After the way his friends reacted, he isn’t all that scared anymore.

 

Practice wasn’t exciting either. 

 

Chanyeol didn’t look at him once and Baekhyun kept shooting him those apologetic looks like it’s his fault that Chanyeol is acting like this. 

 

Jongin honestly just doesn’t care. 

 

If Chanyeol choses to end their friendship, so be it.

 

„See you tomorrow?“ Sehun asks, clapping him on his shoulder while Jongin’s still busy tying up his shoelaces in the locker room. 

 

„You don’t need a ride?“ Jongin asks as he slips on his jacket.

 

Sehun clears his throat. „I uhm… I’m meeting up with Joohyun in the library.“

 

„Joohyun?“ Jongin gapes and starts laughing when Sehun blushes a little. „Hey, how about you don’t fuck it up this time?“ 

 

Sehun glares at him and punches his shoulder. „I won’t.“ 

 

„Hey, it’s okay. I doubt you’ll throw up all over her shoes again-“

 

„Asshole.“ Sehun huffs and turns around to leave. 

 

„Tell me how it went!“ He shouts after him.

 

„Fuck off!“ Sehun laughs.

 

Jongin smiles to himself and grabs his stuff before he walks out of the locker room. 

 

He’s about to walk to his car when he remembers that it’s Monday and that Kyungsoo always stays a little longer at school on Mondays to study. He pulls out his phone to text him and ask where he is. 

 

Kyungsoo writes back a moment later.

 

 

 

** Kyungsoo: I was about to go home. Where are you? **

 

 

 

                                   **\- wait for me at my car?**

 

 

 

** Kyungsoo: Okay. **

 

 

 

 

 

Kyungsoo is already waiting by his car when Jongin arrives at the parking lot. A smile tugs at the corner of his lips when he sees him standing there because seriously, how can anyone not find him cute? 

 

„Hey.“ He says when he’s close enough and Kyungsoo jumps at his voice, turns around to stare up at him. 

 

„Hi.“ He replies, fingers fumbling with his glasses nervously. „How was practice?“ Kyungsoo then asks. 

 

„It was okay.“ Jongin steps closer and Kyungsoo steps away, eyes widening until his back his the side of Jongin’s car. „So… today went well, don’t you think?“ 

 

Kyungsoo nods. „I’m glad it did. I’m happy for you.“ 

 

„Aren’t you happy for yourself too?“ Jongin wants to know, a sigh leaving his lips. 

 

„I… I am. I’m just more happy for you.“ 

 

„Are you happy about Baekhyun apologizing to you?“ Jongin asks next. „I know you didn’t want them to do that. But I trust them to leave you alone after this.“ 

 

Kyungsoo shrugs, tugs at the straps of his backpack. „I think it’s nice he apologized. Not everyone would have. But.. I just don’t know if he’s sorry because he thinks.. you like me or something.“ Kyungsoo clears his throat. 

 

„But I mean.. I do like you. He doesn’t just think that.“ Jongin says, only to watch how Kyungsoo squirms around. It’s cute how riled up he gets and Jongin doesn’t think he’ll ever get enough of it. 

 

„That’s not the point.“ Kyungsoo mumbles and Jongin chuckles. 

 

„So it doesn’t matter if I like you or not?“

 

„Jongin.“ Kyungsoo whispers. „Stop it.“ 

 

„But you get really cute when you’re flustered.“

 

„I’m flustered all the time, it gets tiring.“ Kyungsoo mumbles. 

 

Jongin steps even closer and there’s no room for Kyungsoo to escape. „You know, when Taemin asked if we were a thing, I didn’t want to say anything since we haven’t really talked about it.“ 

 

Kyungsoo looks up at him, has to crane his neck since Jongin is standing so close now. He nods. „I know, it’s okay.“

 

„Can we talk about it now?“

 

Kyungsoo hesitates and then nods. „Okay…“ 

 

„Are we a thing?“ He blurts out and Kyungsoo raises his eyebrows at him. 

 

„A thing?“

 

Jongin smirks when Kyungsoo starts to smile at him, his eyes crinkling up in the cutest way. „Will you be my boyfriend?“ 

 

Kyungsoo averts his eyes, his smile turning shy once again. „If you want me to be.“

 

„That’s not my question.“ He mumbles, reaching his hand out to take Kyungsoo’s hand and tangle their fingers together. „Do you want to be my boyfriend?“ 

 

Kyungsoo looks up again and tilts his head. „You know I do.“ And then he starts smiling again and Jongin just stares, asking himself how no one but himself has ever noticed just how perfect Kyungsoo is. 

 

But on the other hand, he’s perfectly fine with no one noticing. He’ll show Kyungsoo how amazing he is, he doesn’t need others to tell him that. 

 

„Can I kiss you?“ Jongin asks, stepping even closer until the tips of their shoes are touching. He leans in, close to Kyungsoo’s ear. „Boyfriend.“

 

And Kyungsoo shudders against him at the word, one of his hands reaching out to curl into them of Jongin’s shirt. „You- you don’t have to ask.“ 

 

Jongin leans back and reaches his free hand out to cup Kyungsoo’s face, brushes his thumb over his cheek, wondering why Kyungsoo’s skin is so soft, and why his eyes are so big and beautiful , which is his last thought, because a moment later his lips press against Kyungsoo’s plump ones and Kyungsoo sighs against him. 

 

He’s so warm, and small, his lips wet and soft, and Jongin feels the shudder that runs through the boy’s body as their lips slide together and in return, Jongin’s heart flips in his chest and Jongin holds him closer like he doesn’t want to let go.

 

And honestly, when Kyungsoo pushes up on his tiptoes to get better access to Jongin’s mouth and Jongin has to wrap his arms around Kyungsoo’s waist to press them together, he thinks that he will be the biggest idiot on earth if he ever does let Kyungsoo go. 

 

Kyungsoo pulls back after a moment, breathless and lips a little bit darker than usual as well as his cheeks. 

 

Jongin smiles and holds him close. „You blush a lot.“ 

 

This makes Kyungsoo’s face crumble a bit as he flushes even more. „I’m sorry.“

 

„No.“ Jongin quickly says, squeezing his waist. „I like it.. you’re perfect okay? It’s the cutest.“

 

Kyungsoo pouts and Jongin feels like dying because it’s hard to take in without wanting to lean down to bite his cheek or something equally as stupid. 

 

„Hey… uhm, look I know it’s a school night and all. But I.. I don’t know, you can say no, but I thought that maybe you could come over? Or I could come over to your house… I just.. I want to see you for a bit longer.“ 

 

„You do?“ Kyungsoo asks, and his smile is bright and perfect. 

 

„Isn’t that obvious?“ 

 

„Why are you blushing?“ Kyungsoo tilts his head, a little smile on his face and Jongin is taken aback for a moment. 

 

„I’m not.“ He mumbles, still a little surprised at the teasing tone of Kyungsoo’s voice. „Don’t be mean.“ 

 

Kyungsoo shrugs and smiles to himself. „Now you know how I feel all the time.“

 

„You could’ve just said no.“

 

„Huh?“ Kyungsoo shakes his head, hand gripping Jongin’s shirt a little more. „No, Jongin, I want to…“

 

Jongin just looks at him like he’s hurt and Kyungsoo’s face falls even more and he knows he’s being unfair but it’s not his fault that Kyungsoo’s so naive and so cute. 

 

„Jongin… I want to spend time with you.“ He leans in and hides his face in Jongin’s chest and his heart seems to be really happy about that as it pounds harder just because Kyungsoo’s warmth is so close to him. 

 

Kyungsoo snuggles some more into him and Jongin starts to sense the genuine distress from Kyungsoo so he drops his act, laughs softly and wraps his arms tighter around Kyungsoo’s frame. „Why do you do that.“ Kyungsoo groans and Jongin only laughs more, leans down to press his face into Kyungsoo’s neck.

 

„Because you’re so cute when you’re nervous.“ Jongin says against his skin. „Kyungsoo?"

 

"Hm?"

 

"I like you." Jongin whispers into his ear, feels Kyungsoo's grip on him tightening. "I really like you a lot."

 

„I like you too.“ He hears Kyungsoo mumble into his chest. Jongin presses a kiss to his skin and Kyungsoo squirms in his hold. 

 

„So do you want to come over?“ 

 

„Okay.“

 

„Mom will be really happy to have you over for dinner, you know? She’s crazy about you.“ Jongin scoffs. 

 

„She’s really nice.“ Kyungsoo says. „I like her too.“ 

 

So damn cute… 

 

„We can watch a movie or something after.“ Jongin suggests.

 

„A movie?“ Kyungsoo pulls back. „I know you don’t want to watch a movie.“ 

 

„Why?“

 

„Because you’re going to make me watch Naruto again.“ Kyungsoo smiles up at him.

 

Jongin hums. „So you’re saying you don’t like Naruto anymore? That’s our thing, you know, you’re hurting my feelings.“ 

 

Kyungsoo shrugs his shoulder. „I like Naruto. I’ll always like Naruto.“ 

 

 

 

 

 

The drive home is silent, there’s some music playing in the background and Kyungsoo’s dozing off on the passenger seat and Jongin looks over at his sleeping face, so calm and beautiful.

 

It’ll take some time for Jongin to wrap his mind around the fact that Kyungsoo is his.

 

That they’re together, that he can hug him and kiss him whenever he wants.

 

He sighs and reaches his hand out to curl it around Kyungsoo’s smaller one. 

 

He's not sure what's going to happen to them in the future but he likes to imagine that their colleges won't be too far away from each other. That Kyungsoo will never stop looking at him like he hung the moon and that in return, Jongin won't ever want to stop kissing him breathless.

 

Right now, all of that doesn't seem so far fetched because when he looks at Kyungsoo's peaceful face all he can think is about setting things right with him. 

 

He’s going to treat Kyungsoo the way he should’ve done from the beginning. 

 

He can’t stop grinning the whole drive home and he doesn’t care.

 

He’s happy.

 

And he’s going to make sure Kyungsoo will be just as happy from this day on. 

 

 

 

 

_\- End -_


End file.
